SOUTH PARK (passim) 
Thereís a bunch of birds in the sky 
And some deers just went running by 
Oh, the snowís pure and white 
On the earth rich and brown 
Just another Sunday morning 
In my quiet mountainÖTOWN 
The sun is shining and the grass is green 
(Under the three feet of snow I mean) 
This is a day when itís hard to wear a frown 
All the happy people stop to say hello 
TOWNSPERSON: Get out of my way! 
Even though the temperatureís low 
Itís a perfect Sunday morning 
In my quiet little mountain town 
SHARON MARSH: Well, good morning, Stan. 
STAN: Mom, can I have eight dollars to see a movie? 
SHARON: A movie? 
STAN: Yeah. Itís gonna be the best movie ever! Itís a foreign film, from Canada. 
SHARON: All right, here ya go. But be back for supper. 
STAN: Thanks, mom! 
Oh, what a picture-perfect child 
Just like Jesus heís tender and mild 
Heíd wear a smile while he wore a thorny crown 
What an angel 
With a heart so sweet and sure 
And a mind so open and pure 
Thank God we live in this quiet redneck mountain town 
STAN: [knocking on Kennyís door] Dude! Dude, wake up!ÖKenny, come on! 
STAN: Kenny, the Terrance and Phillip movie is out! You wanna come? 
KENNY: [undecipherable] 
MRS. MCCORMICK: Where do you think youíre going? 
KENNY: Iím going to the Terrance and Phillip movie! 
MRS. MCCORMICK: You canít! You have to go to church. 
KENNY: But mom, I want to go to the movie! 
MRS. MCCORMICK: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan! 
KENNY: Okay! 
You can see your breath hanging in the air 
You see homeless people 
But you just donít care 
Itís a sea of smiles 
In which weíd be glad to drown 
And this movie's gonna make our lives complete 
Ďcause Terrance and Phillip are sweet 
STAN: Thatís right! 
Itís Sunday Morning 
In my quiet little whitebread redneck mountain town 
IKE BROFLOVSKI: Ba-ba-ba-ba. 
KYLE BROFLOVSKI: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby! 
IKE: Donít kick the baby. 
KYLE: Kick the baby. [kicks Ike] 
Ike: [screams] 
SHEILA BROFLOVSKI: [seeing Ike crash through the window] Ike! You broke another window! Thatís a bad baby! Bad baby! 
STAN: Kyle, weíre going to the Terrance and Phillip movie! 
KYLE: Oh my God, dude! 
SHEILA: Kyle, where are you going? 
KYLE: Uh, weíre going ice-skating. 
SHEILA: Well take your little brother out with you. 
KYLE: Aw, ma! Heís not even my real brother. Heís adopted. 
SHEILA: Do as I say, Kyle! 
KYLE: Okay, okay, Iím sorry. 
Look at those frail and fragile boys 
It really gets me down 
The woild is such a rotten place 
And city lifeís a complete disgrace 
Thatís why I moved to this redneck, meshuggenah, quiet mountain town 
SHEILA: [seeing Ike crash through the window again] Ike! Bad baby! 
TV ANNOUNCER: This program is brought to you by Snacky Símores: the creamy fun of símores in a delightful cookie crunch. 
ERIC CARTMAN: [hearing doorbell ring] Mom! Somebodyís at the door! 
LIAN CARTMAN: Coming, hon! 
CARTMAN: [as mom walks in front of the TV] Ďey, I canít see the TV! 
TV NEWS ANCHOR: Itís been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars, and the world is still glad to be rid of him. 
LIAN: Oh look, Eric: itís your little friends. 
IKE: Cartman! 
CARTMAN: What are you guys doing here? [seeing an ad for the Terrance and Phillip movie] Oh, sweet, dude! Yes! Yes! 
Off to the movie we shall go 
Where we learn everything that we know 
Ďcause the movies teach us 
What our parents donít have time to say 
And this movieís gonna make our lives complete 
Ďcause Terrance and Phillip are sweet 
CARTMAN: Super sweet! 
Thank God we live in the 
Quiet little redneck, podunk, white trash 
KENNY: [undecipherable] 
STAN: Can I have five tickets to "Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire," please? 
KYLE: What do you mean "No"? 
CASHIER: "Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire" has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian. 
KYLE: But why? 
CASHIER: Because this movie has naughty language! Next please. 
KYLE: This, this canít be happening 
STAN: We have to see this movie, dude. 
CARTMAN: Aw, screw it. It probably isnít all that good anyway. 
KYLE: Cartman, what are you talking about? You love Terrance and Phillip. 
CARTMAN: Yeah, but the animationís all crappy. 
STAN: Wait, Iíve got an idea! 
HOMELESS MAN: Uh, hi. I want six tickets to "Asses of Fire." 
CASHIER: This movie might not be appropriate for your little ones. 
HOMELESS MAN: Hey, he says this movie isnít appropriate for you. 
STAN: Look, Mr. Homeless Guy. If you donít wanna buy us tickets, and not get your ten bucks, and not go buy yourself a bottle of vodka; then be my guest. 
HOMELESS MAN: Six tickets, please. 
KYLE: Let me have some candy, Cartman. 
CARTMAN: Oh, letís see. UhÖnope, I donít have any Jewish candy. 
KYLE: Why do you really need all that chocolate, fat boy? 
IKE: Ba-ba-ba-ba. 
STAN: Shh, the movieís starting! 
CHILDREN: [as movie begins] Hooray! 
PHILLIP: Say, Terrance. What did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynaecologist? 
TERRANCE: I donít know, Phillip. What? 
PHILLIP: [farts in Terranceís face] 
BOTH: [laughing hysterically] 
STAN: Where do they come up with this stuff? 
TERRANCE: Youíre such a pigfucker, Phillip! 
CHILDREN: [gasping] 
KYLE: What did he say? 
PHILLIP: Terrance, why would you call me a "pigfucker"? 
TERRANCE: Well, letís see. First of all, you fuck pigs. 
PHILLIP: Oh yeah! 
BOTH: [laughing hysterically] 
TERRANCE: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch! 
BOTH: [laughing hysterically] 
PHILLIP: Oh, you shitfaced cockmaster! 
CARTMAN: "Shitfaced cockmaster." 
TERRANCE: Listen, you donkey-raping shiteater! 
KYLE: "Donkey-raping shiteater." 
IKE: "Dobee babing sheeteater." 
TERRANCE: Youíd fuck your uncle. 
PHILLIP: Youíd fuck your uncle. 
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka 
Youíre a cocksucking, asslicking uncle fucka 
Youíre an uncle fucka, yes itís true 
Nobody fucks uncles quite like you 
Shut your fucking face uncle fucka 
Youíre the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka 
You donít eat or sleep or mow the lawn 
You just fuck your uncle all day long 
BOTH: [farting in tune to the music] 
BOTH: [laughing hysterically] 
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whatís going on, here? 
AUDIENCE MEMBER: What garbage! 
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Well, what do you expect? Theyíre Canadian. 
Fucka, uncle fucka 
Uncle fucka uncle fucka 
Fucka, uncle fucka 
Shut your fucking face uncle fucka 
PHILLIP: Uncle fucka! 
Youíre a boner-biting bastard uncle fucka 
Youíre an uncle fucka I must say 
Well, you fucked your uncle yesterday 
Uncle fucka 
Thatís: U-N-C-L-E, fuck you 
Uncle fucka 
PHILLIP: Suck my balls! 
KYLE: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet! 
CARTMAN: You bet your fucking ass it was! 
STAN: Fuck dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip! 
CASHIER: Hey, wait a minute. Whereís your guardian? 
KYLE: Huh? 
CASHIER: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didnít you? 
CARTMAN: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shiteater! 
KYLE: Yeah! 
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka 
Youíre an anus-licking ball-sucking uncle fucka 
KID: Hey, where have you guys been all day? 
STAN: Oh, nowhere. We just went to go see the Terrance and Phillip movie! 
KIDS: [gasping] 
KID: You saw it? 
KID: Howíd you get in? 
CARTMAN: Hey, stop crowding us you shitfaced cockmasters! 
KIDS: Wow! 
STAN: Yeah, youíre all a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers! 
KIDS: Oooh! 
KID: We have got to see this movie, dude. 
KYLE: Terrance and Phillip are Canadian, just like my brother. 
STAN: [singing to self] 
Thereís the girl that I like 
CARTMAN: Hey, Stan. Tell about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle-shitting rectal-wart. 
Now, more than ever 
She gives me butterflies 
It makes my stomach queasy 
Every time she walks by 
CARTMAN: Asshole, Iím talkiní to you! 
I know I can be cool if I try 
STAN: [barfs on Wendy] 
WENDY: Gross! 
GREGORY: Come, Wendy. Let us try to jump the hilly brush. 
STAN: Who are you, kid? 
GREGORY: My name is Gregory. I just transferred from Yardale, where I had a four-oh grade point average. 
WENDY: Wanna skate with us? 
GREGORY: Weíve been skating all morning, and laughing, and talking of memories past. 
STAN: We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie! 
GREGORY: Oh ho. Try and catch me, Wendy! [skates off] 
WENDY: Bye, Stan. 
CARTMAN: Yes, yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Who wants to touch me?ÖI said WHO WANTS TO FUCKIN' TOUCH ME? 
KID: [touching Cartman] Ooooh. 
KID: Címon, gang. We gotta see the Terrance and Phillip movie, too! [the kids vacate] 
CARTMAN: [to Kenny] I hate you, Kenny. 
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker 
Youíre a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucker 
Youíre a- [all stop singing abruptly as Mr. Garrison walks in] 
MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, letís take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [to Mr. Hat] We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, letís start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two?ÖCímon children, donít be shy. Just give it your best shot. Yes, Clyde? 
CLYDE: Twelve? 
MR. GARRISON: Okay. Now letís try to get an answer from someone whoís not a complete retard. Anyone?ÖCome on, donít be shy. 
KYLE: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison. 
CARTMAN: [mocking Kyle] 
KYLE: Shut-up, fatboy! 
CARTMAN: Ďey! Donít call me fat, you fuckiní Jew! 
MR. GARRISON: Eric! Did you just say the F-word? 
CARTMAN: "Jew"? 
KYLE: No, heís talkiní about "fuck." You canít say "fuck" in school, you fuckiní fatass. 
CARTMAN: Why the fuck not? 
STAN: Dude, you just said "fuck" again! 
MR. GARRISON: Stanley! 
KENNY: Fuck. 
CARTMAN: Whatís the big deal? It doesnít hurt anybody. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. 
MR. GARRISON: How would you like to go see the school counselor? 
CARTMAN: How would you like to suck my balls? 
KIDS: [gasping] 
MR. GARRISON: What did you say? 
CARTMAN: Oh, I-Iím sorry, Iím sorry. Actually, what I said was: [speaking through bullhorn] "How would you like, to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?" 
KYLE: Holy shit, dude. 
MR. MACKIE: Well, I must say Iím very disappointed in you boys, míkay? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Now Iíve already called in your mothers, but- 
KYLE: [frightened] You called my mom? 
MR. MACKIE: Thatís right. 
KYLE: [even more frightened] Oh no, dude! 
CARTMAN: Mr. Mackie, can I ask a question? 
MR. MACKIE: Míkay, what? 
CARTMAN: Whatís the big fuckiní deal, bitch? 
STAN: Yeah. 
MR. MACKIE: Oh! N-now I wanna know where you heard these horrific obscenities, míkay? 
STAN: Nowhere. Uh, we heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before. 
KYLE: Yeah! 
MR. MACKIE: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever saidÖuh, "Eat penguin shit, you ass-spelunker." 
CHILDREN: [laughing] 
CARTMAN: Hee hee hee, sweet! 
KYLE: [as mothers walk in] Uh-oh! 
MR. MACKIE: Thank you all for coming on such short notice. 
SHARON: This just isnít like you, Stanley. 
SHEILA: What did my son say Mr. Mackie? Did he say the S-woid? 
MR. MACKIE: No, it was worse than that. 
SHEILA: The F-woid? 
MR. MACKIE: Well hereís a short list of the things theyíve been saying, míkay? 
SHARON: Oh dear God! 
SHEILA: What the heck is a "rimjob"? 
LIAN: Oh, why thatís when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass! 
SHEILA: Young man, you will tell Mr. Mackie this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases. 
STAN: We canít tell you. We all took a sacred oath, and swore ourselves to secrecy. 
CARTMAN: It was the Terrance and Phillip movie. 
STAN: Dude! 
CARTMAN: What? Fuck you guys! I wanna get out of here. 
SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians? 
MR. MACKIE: Excuse me, what the heck is Terrance and Phillip? 
SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip are two very untalented actors from Canada. Nothing but foul language and toilet humor. 
MR. MACKIE: Well, I guess Iíll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see "Terrance and Phillip." 
CARTMAN: Everybodyís fuckiní seen it. 
LIAN: Eric! 
CARTMAN: Iím sorry, I canít help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind. 
STAN: [singing to self] 
Thereís the girl that I like 
Over there laughing with that smart ne- 
CARTMAN: Ďey! Youíre holding up the god damn lunch line! 
CHEF: Hello there, children! 
CHILDREN: Hey Chef. 
CHEF: Howís it goiní? 
CHEF: Why bad? 
KYLE: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we canít ever see the Terrance and Phillip movie again! 
CHEF: Oh, thatís too bad. 
CARTMAN: You shoulda seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind, heh heh. 
KYLE: Shut-up, Cartman! 
CARTMAN: No, dude, Iíd be scared too. Your momís a fuckiní bitch. 
KYLE: Donít call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck! 
CARTMAN: Donít call me fat, you buttfuckiní son of a bitch! 
CHEF: Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that? 
CARTMAN: [walking away] Itís pretty fuckiní sweet, huh? 
STAN: [lagging behind] Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy? 
CHEF: Oh, thatís easy. You just gotta find the clitoris. 
STAN: Huh? 
CHEF: Ooops! 
STAN: What does that mean, "Öfind the clitoris"? 
CHEF: UhÖuh, forget I said anything. Move along, children, youíre holdiní up the line. 
STAN: You guys! Do you know where I can find theÖ"clitoris"? 
KYLE: The what? 
CARTMAN: What, is that like finding Jesus, or something? 
MR. MACKIE: [over the PA] Attention, students! We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts are no longer allowed in school. Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be sent home immediately. 
ALL KIDS, except GREGORY and WENDY: Hooray! [vacating] 
ANCHOR: The R-Rated Canadian film, "Asses of Fire" is number one at the box office. But is the film destroying American youth? Here with a special report, is a midget in a bikini. 
MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Thanks, Tom! It appears that the effects of the Canadian comedy are far-reaching, indeed. All over America, children seem to be influenced. Like at this spelling bee in Washington. 
PROCTOR: All right, this is for the silver medal: spell "forensics." 
CONTESTANT: Aw, fuck that! Why should I have to fucking spell "forensics"? 
OTHER CONTESTANTS: [laughing] Yeah! Woo! 
CONTESTANT: Here you go. [writing on chalkboard] S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S, "forensics." 
MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Tom, the devastating impact of the Canadian duo can also be seen with their new hit song, "Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle Fucka." 
PHILLIP: [hip-hop style] 
Shut your fucking face, uncle fuck-ah 
TERRANCE: [hip-hop style] 
Youíre a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka 
A-a-a a-a a 
Now I told you that, we wonít stop 
Now I told you that, we wonít stop 
MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Back to you, Tom. 
ANCHOR: Thanks, midget. Shocking report! The controversy began in the small mountain town of South Park, where the local PTA is trying to ban the movie. With us tonight is the head of the PTA, Sheila BroflovskiÖ 
SHEILA: Hello, Tom. 
ANCHOR: Öand the Canadian minister of movies. 
MINISTER: Thanks for haviní me, buddy. 
ANCHOR: Minister, parents are concerned about your countryís entertainment. Your thoughts? 
MINISTER: Well, the film is R-Rated, and it's not intended for children to- 
SHEILA: Well, but of course children are gonna see it! 
MINISTER: Can I finish? The fact is that we Canadians are quite surprised by your outrage. 
SHEILA: You just donít care! 
MINISTER: Can I finish? Hello? C-can I finish? The United States has graphic violence on television all the time. We canít believe that a movie with some foul language would piss you off so much. 
SHEILA: Because itís evil! 
MINISTER: Can I finish? Please, can I finish?ÖOkay, Iím finished. 
ANCHOR: But Mr. Minister, it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams. 
MINISTER: Now, now. The Canadian government has apologised for Bryan Adams on several occasions. 
SHEILA: You Canadians are all the same. With your beady little eyes, and flapping heads. YouÖyouíre trash! 
MINISTER: I resent that! I find that racist, and- 
SHEILA: Our children are now addicted to your filth! 
MINISTER: You are a racist, maíam! You are a racist! 
SHEILA: It is going to take us weeks to erase the damage this film has done to our children! 
MR. MACKIE: Uh, kids, I wanna welcome you to rehabilitation, míkay? Your mothers insisted that you be taken from your normal schoolwork, and placed into rehab to learn not to swear. 
GREGORY: I must say, I donít think I belong with these rogues. I attended school at Yardale, and had a four-oh grade point average. 
CARTMAN: [to Gregory] Youíre a fuckiní faggot, dude. 
MR. MACKIE: Míkay, you see children? This is exactly what Iím talkiní about. We have to get you off of foul language. 
KYLE: How are we gonna do that? 
MR. MACKIE: Well, listen here. 
There are times when you get suckered in 
By drugs and alcohol 
And sex with women, míkay? 
But itís when you do these things too much 
That youíve become an addict 
And must get back in touch 
You can do it 
Itís all up to you, míkay? 
With a little plan 
You can change your life to-day 
You donít have to spend your life addicted to smack 
Homeless on the streets 
Giviní handjobs for crack 
Follow my plan 
And very soon you will say: 
"Itís easy, míkay?" 
Step one: instead of "ass" say "buns" 
Like "Kiss my buns" or 
"Youíre a buns-hole" 
Step two: instead of "shit" say "poo" 
As in "bull poo", "poo-head", and "this poo is cold" 
Step three: with "bitch" drop the "t" 
Ďcause "bich" is Latin for "generosity" 
Step four: donít say "fuck" anymore 
Ďcause "fuck" is the worst word that you can say 
So just use the word "míkay" 
We can do it 
Itís all up to us, míkay? 
With a little plan 
We can change our lives today 
You can change to-day 
You donít have to spend your lives 
Endiní up in the trash 
Homeless on the streets 
Giviní handjobs for cash 
Follow this plan and very soon you will say: 
"Itís easy, míkay" 
Step one: 
Instead of "ass" say "buns" 
Like "kiss my buns" 
Or "youíre a buns-hole" 
Step two: 
Instead of "shit" say "poo" 
As in "bull poo" 
And "this poo is cold" 
Step three: 
With "bitch" drop the "t" 
Ďcause "bich" is Latin for "generosity" 
Step four: 
Donít say "fuck" anymore 
Ďcause "fuck" is the worst word that you can say 
"Fuck" is the worst word that you can say 
We shouldnít say "fuck" 
No, we shouldnít say "fuck" 
Fuck no! 
Youíre good, you can go 
You donít have to spend you lives 
Endiní up in the trash 
Homeless on the streets 
Giviní handjobs for cash 
Follow this plan and very soon you will say: 
"Itís easy, míkay?" 
Itís easy, míkay? 
Itís easy, míkay? 
Itís easy, míkay? 
MR. MACKIE: [adopting a falsetto] 
Itís easy, míkay? 
Itís easy, míkay? 
Itís easy, míkay? 
Itís easy, míkay? 
MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS: [laughing] 
Now youíre cured! You can take the rest of the afternoon off for personal reflection, míkay? Find your own constructive way to better yourself, míkay? 
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: [laughing hysterically] 
TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, I hope youíve learned something through this whole experience. 
PHILLIP: I did, Terrance. I learned that you are a boner-biting dickfart buttface. 
BOTH: [laughing hysterically] 
TERRANCE: Want to see the Northern Lights? [lights fart on fire and burns to death] 
PHILLIP: You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart. 
TERRANCE: [laughing] I sure did, Phillip! 
BOTH: [laughing hysterically] 
Uncle fucka! 
You got it 
KIDS: [cheering] 
KID: This movie rules! 
KYLE: Man, that movie gets better every time I see it! 
CARTMAN: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You canít do that. 
KENNY: Yeah, you can! 
CARTMAN: No way. 
KENNY: Yes you can. Iíve done it before. 
CARTMAN: Okay, Kenny. Iíll bet you a hundred dollars you canít light a fart on fire. 
KENNY: [undecipherable] [lights fart on fire, laughing hysterically, lit fart erupts into general conflagration, screaming hysterically] 
STAN: Holy shit, dude! 
CARTMAN: Ah! Oh my God! Hey! [begins beating Kenny with stick] Aw, shit! Aw, shit! Ahh! 
STAN: Somebody do something! 
CARTMAN: [distraught] This stick is on fire! 
STAN: [to Cartman, as dumptruck dumps salt on Kenny] Oh my God, you killed Kenny! 
KYLE: [to Cartman] You bastard! 
CARTMAN: Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh? 
SURGEON: Load that IV with 70 ccís of Sodium Pentathol! 
NURSE: We just called the parents. 
KYLE: Oh shit, dude! Now our moms are gonna find out we went to the Terrance and Phillip movie again! 
SURGEON: Vacuum! Try to untangle his trachea and esophagus! 
STAN: Dude! 
SURGEON: No! That doesnít go there! 
CARTMAN: Aw, crap! 
KYLE: Gross, dude! 
CARTMAN: Thatís sick! 
NURSE: Watch his liver. 
ASSISTANT: Iíll get it! 
SURGEON: We have precious little time left, people! Weíre gonna lose him soon. 
NURSE: Doctor, his heart stopped! 
SURGEON: Letís get it out of there! We need to zap this, quick! [opening microwave] Whoís making a potato? 
ASSISTANT: My bad, sir! I missed lunch. 
SURGEON: Dammit! Iím not gonna lose this kidÖClose him up, weíve done all we can. The rest, is up to GodÖKenny, Kenny can you hear me? 
KENNY: Oh shit, dude. 
SURGEON: How are you feeling, son? 
KENNY: Where the fuck am I? 
SURGEON: Great! Son, I have some bad news. WeÖaccidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live. 
KENNY: What? [explodes] 
CARTMAN: Ah! Fuckiní weak, dude! 
STAN: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! 
KYLE: You bastards! 
SURGEON: Dammit! It neverÖgetsÖanyÖeasier! [walks away whistling] 
CARTMAN: I bet him he couldnít do it. I bet him a hundred dollars. 
STAN: Címon Cartman, itís not your fault. 
CARTMAN: No, I know. Iím just fuckiní stoked I donít have to pay him. 
KYLE: Oh, thatís real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck! [parents enter room] 
SHEILA: So, boys. You saw that movie, again? 
CHILDREN: [resignedly] Yes. 
SHEILA: Well Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks! 
KYLE: Grounded? 
SHARON: And you, Stan. Come on. 
LIAN: And youíre grounded for three weeks, Eric. 
CARTMAN: Ďey, why am I grounded more? Thatís fuckiní bullshit! 
SHEILA: What-what-what? What was that word young man? 
[Kenny is denied access, and is instead sent to Hell] 
SHEILA: Parents, our children are out of control! This is what happens when toilet humour is allowed to run rampant! 
SHARON: Thatís right. Kenny set himself on fire because he saw Terrance and Phillip do it in that dirty movie. 
SHEILA: We must stop dirty language from getting to our childrenís ears. We must go fight the source of it. 
SHARON: But what is the source? 
SHEILA: Oh, thatís easy. 
Times have changed 
Our kids are getting worse 
They wonít obey their parents 
They just want to fart and curse 
Should we blame the government? 
Or blame society? 
Or should we blame the images on TV? 
Blame Canada 
Blame Canada 
For their beady little eyes 
That plant their heads so full oí lies 
Blame Canada 
Blame Canada 
We need to form a full assault 
Donít blame me 
For my son Stan 
He saw the darned cartoon 
And now heís off to join the Klan 
And my boy Eric, once 
Had my picture on his shelf 
But now when I see him 
He tells me to fuck myself 
Blame Canada 
Blame Canada 
It seems that everythingís gone wrong 
Since Canada came along 
Blame Canada 
Blame Canada 
Theyíre not even a real country anyway 
My son couldíve been 
A doctor or a lawyer, itís true 
Instead he burned up 
Like a piggy on a barbecue 
Should we blame the matches? 
Should we blame the fire? 
Or the doctors who allowed him to expire? 
SHEILA: Heck no! 
Blame Canada 
Blame Canada 
With all their hockey hullabaloo 
And that bitch Anne Murray, too 
Blame Canada 
Shame on Canada for- 
Theyíre smutting us up 
Theyíre tracking in trash 
The laughter and fun 
Must all be undone 
We must blame them and cause a fuss 
Before somebody thinks of blaming us 
SHELLY MARSH: All right, you turds, listen up. Your moms are away at a meeting, and they put me in charge of you. But youíre still grounded, so youíre not allowed to have any fun. Any questions? 
STAN: Shelly, whereís the clitoris? 
SHELLY: [breaks chair over Stanís head] 
STAN: Ow! 
SHELLY: Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut, while I go listen to my Britiney Spears records. [goes to her room] 
STAN: Okay, itís clear [turning on the TV] 
CONAN OíBRIEN: Our next guests have the number one movie in the world right now. Please welcome Terrance and Phillip! 
OíBRIEN AUDIENCE: [mixed cheers and boos] 
CHILDREN: Hooray! 
TERRANCE: Hello, Conan. Hello, Brooke Shields. 
CONAN: Guys, some people claim that your Canadian humour is nothing but immature fart jokes. 
PHILLIP: Thatís not true. Take this classic Canadian joke for instance. [clears throat] Excuse me, Terrance. 
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip? 
PHILLIP: [farts on Terrance, blowing him into the drum set] 
BOTH: [laughing hysterically] 
CARTMAN: [laughing] Thatís sweet! 
TERRANCE: Good one, Phillip! Cheers! 
PHILLIP: Cheers, fuckface. 
CONAN: Guys, you canít say that on TV. 
PHILLIP: Now Terrance smells like my ass! 
BOTH: [laughing] 
BROOKE SHIELDS: I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon. 
TERRANCE: [after a pause, slaps Brooke Shields] 
CONAN: So guys, does it make you nervous to be in America? There are a lot of organisations here that want you arrested for destroying children. 
PHILLIP: Oh, theyíd have to find us first. 
CONAN: Youíre right. Now! 
TROOPS: [rush in and capture Terrance and Phillip] 
SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip, Mothers Against Canada is placing you under citizensí arrest! 
KYLE: Mom? 
STAN: Dude, what the hell is going on? 
SHEILA: We have a court order for your arrest! 
TERRANCE: Phillip, weíve been ambushed! 
SHEILA: [handing Conan his payoff] Here you go, Conan. 
PHILLIP: This little scrotum-sucker deceived us! You are a bad man! 
SHEILA: Donít listen to them, Conan. 
PHILLIP: You loved our movie, Conan! We watched it together. Remember? You laughed. 
CONAN: What have I done? [jumps out window] 
STAN: Holy crap, did you see that? They arrested Terrance and Phillip! 
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: As the Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the actions taken by American in apprehending Terrance and Phillip. As you can see from this graph, the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip. Without them, we are doomed to recession. 
SECRETARY GENERAL: What say you, Mr. American Ambassador? 
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: Ďey, Fuck you, buddy! 
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: Terrance and Phillip will not be released. They are going to be put on trial for corrupting Americanís youth. We donít know what all the fuss is about. 
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: The fuss is aboot taking our citizens. Itís aboot not censoring our art. Itís abootÖ 
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: Whatís so god damn funny? 
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: [regaining composure] N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell us again what your argument is all about? 
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignityÖ 
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: ÖThis is aboot respect. This is about realising that humansÖ 
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: You guys are dicks! Release Terrance and Phillip, or weíll give you something to cry aboot! 
ENTIRE UN: [laughing hysterically] 
PILOT: Pilot to bombardier! Pilot to bombardier! Weíre nearing the target! 
BOMBARDIER: Bombs ready, buddy! 
WILLIAM BALDWIN: [answering phone] Baldwin residenceÖno, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin, call his extensionÖstupid! [to Alec Baldwin] Hey Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin? 
ALEC BALDWIN: No, what? 
WILLIAM: Nothing! 
ALL BALDWINS: [laughing] 
WILLIAM: [after all other Baldwins have been bombed] Ha! Ha! You missed me! [then gets bombed himself] 
MR. GARRISON: Hi, children. Your mothers are all making me throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs. 
STAN: Mr. Garrison, how come our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip? 
ALL KIDS: Yeah! 
KID: Thatís gay. 
MR. GARRISON: Oh, well, your moms are just upset. Theyíre probably all on their periods or something. 
WENDY: [whispering to Gregory] Not cool! 
GREGORY: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement. 
MR. GARRISON: Well Iím sorry Wendy, but I just donít trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesnít die. Anyway children, letís start off with some vocabularyÖ 
MR. MACKIE: [over PA] Attention, students, m'kay? 
MR. GARRISON: Oh, what now? 
MR. MACKIE: Come to the gymnasium immediately for a special announcement, míkay? 
KYLE: Whatís goiní on, Chef? 
CHEF: Something big, children. 
STAN: Chef, I canít find the clitoris. You have to help me. 
CHEF: Stan, the clitoris is a- 
MR. MACKIE: Please take your seats, everyone, theyíre about to announce it, míkay. 
TV ANCHOR: This is a state of emergency. We go now to the White House for an announcement from the President of The United States. 
BILL CLINTON: My fellow Americans, at five a.m. today, a day which will live in infamy, the Canadians have bombed the Baldwins. In response to this, the U.S. has declared war on Canada. 
ALL CHILDREN: [gasping] 
CHEF: Oh, no! 
STAN: War? 
WENDY: No! Gregory, no! 
GREGORY: Now, this is bad, Wendy. Hold on to me. 
MR. GARRISON: [frantically] All the Baldwins are dead? 
CLINTON: Now it is time for us to send a message to Canadians. In two days time, the war criminals Terrance and Phillip will be executed. 
STAN: Theyíre gonna kill them? 
CLINTON: And now, Iíd like to bring up my newly-appointed secretary of offence, Ms. Sheila Broflovski. 
KYLE: Holy shit, dude! 
SHEILA: My fellow Americans, our neighbour to the north has abused us for the last time! 
CLINTON: I have a plan- 
SHEILA: Canadians want toÖ 
CLINTON: As commander in chief [drowned out by Sheila] 
SHEILA: Öfight us, because we wonít tolerate their potty-mouths. Well! If it is war they want, then war they shall have! 
CARTMAN: Dude, this is fucking weak. 
STAN: How could things be any worse? 
KENNY: Satan! No way! 
SATAN: Fallen one: I am Satan. I am your god now! 
KENNY: [screaming] Oh my god! [runs away] 
SATAN: [materialising in front of him] There is no escape! [torturing Kenny] Now, feel the delightful pain. 
SADDAM HUSSEIN: Hey, Satan! Did you hear the news? A war just broke out up on earth! 
SATAN: Meet Saddam Hussein, my new partner in evil. 
KENNY: Huh? 
SADDAM: Move over, Satan, youíre hogging all the fun. Yeah! Yeah! Man, this is gettingí me so hot! 
KENNY: Oh my god! 
SATAN: Saddam, would you let me do my job, please? 
SADDAM: Hang on! Rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy. 
SATAN: Saddam, could I talk to you over here for a second?ÖI donít see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that. 
SADDAM: Hey, relax, guy! 
SATAN: Well, sometimes, I think you donít have any respect for me. 
SADDAM: Aw, come here, guy. Whoís my creampuff? 
SATAN: I am. 
SADDAM: Thatís right, buddy. 
KENNY: [watching them] Huh? 
STAN: Dude, I donít wanna be at war. 
KYLE: You donít think theyíre really gonna kill Terrance and Phillip, do you? 
CARTMAN: Kyle, you need to stop being such a chickenshit, and stand up to your mother. You need to smack her in the face, and say, "Thatís enough of your shit, you fuckiní bitch!" 
KYLE: Donít call my mom a bitch, Cartman! 
STAN: You guys, stop it! This isnít helping. Weíve gotta think, here. Now, letís see. What would Brian Boitano do? 
CARTMAN: Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do? 
KYLE: [noticing a gathered crowd] Hey! Whatís going on over there? 
GREGORY: The American government thinks it has the right to police the world. Your government is going to kill two Canadian citizens. An action condemned by the UN (home of the free indeed). 
KID: Letís play tetherball! 
KIDS: Yeah! 
WENDY: This is about freedom of speech! About censorship! Canít you guys be more political, like Gregory? 
STAN: [singing to self] 
Thereís the girl that I like 
Now it appears that she likes another guy 
It must be because heís political and stuff 
I bet I could be political too 
WENDY: [to Stan] What do you think, Stan? 
STAN: [barfs all over Wendy] Dammit! 
CARTMAN: You guys, this is all Kyleís momís fault. 
KYLE: Shut-up, Cartman! 
CARTMAN: Kyleís mom is the one that started that damn club. And all because sheís a big, fat, stupid bitch! 
KYLE: Donít say it, Cartman! 
CARTMAN: [breaking into song] 
KYLE: Donít do it, Cartman! 
CARTMAN: [breaking into song] 
KYLE: Iím warning you! 
CARTMAN: Okay, okay. 
KYLE: Iím getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a bÖ 
CARTMAN: [erupting into song] 
Well, Kyleís momís a bitch 
Sheís a big fat bitch 
Sheís the biggest bitch in the whole wide world 
Sheís a stupid bitch 
If there ever was a bitch 
Sheís a bitch to all the boys and girls 
KYLE: Shut your fuckiní mouth, Cartman! 
On Mondays sheís a bitch 
On Tuesdays sheís a bitch 
On Wednesdays and Saturdays sheís a bitch 
Then on Sunday (just to be different) 
Sheís a stupid, King-Kong, meya meya beeyatch 
CARTMAN: Címon! You all know the words! 
Have you ever met my friend Kyleís mom? 
Sheís the biggest bitch in the whole wide world 
Sheís a mean old bitch 
It has to be heard 
Sheís a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch 
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch 
Sheís a stupid bitch 
Kyleís momís a bitch 
And sheís just a dirty bitch 
CARTMAN: Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this. [song is sung in several different languages] 
Have you ever met my friend Kyleís mom? 
Sheís the biggest bitch in the whole wide world 
Sheís a mean old bitch 
It has to be heard 
Sheís a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch 
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch 
Sheís a stupid bitch 
STAN: [seeing Kyleís mom standing behind Cartman] Uh, CartmanÖ 
Kyleís momís a bitch 
And sheís just a dirty bitch 
I really mean it 
Kyleís mom 
Sheís a big fat ugly bitch 
Big old fat fuckiní bitch, Kyleís mom, yeah 
CARTMAN: [noticing aghast looks on childrenís faces] What? [turning around] Oh, fuck! 
SHEILA: Okay, everyone, settle down. As we continue to send troops into Canada, M.A.C. is also fight the war against potty-mouths here at home. Here to present the V-chip is Dr. Vosknocker. 
DR. VOSKNOCKER: [clears throat] The machinery of the V-chip is very simple. It is placed under the childís skin, where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered. 
RANDY MARSH: Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows that the kid is swearing? 
DR. VOSKNOCKER: Itís just like a lie detector. You see, certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-chip. 
CARTMAN: [patient B-5] Ow, my head hurts. 
DR. VOSKNOCKER: [to Cartman] Donít worry about that. Now, I want you to say, "Doggie." 
CARTMAN: Doggie. 
DR. VOSKNOCKER: [to parents] Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say, "Montana." 
CARTMAN: Montana. 
DR. VOSKNOCKER: Good! Now, "Pillow." 
CARTMAN: Pillow. 
DR. VOSKNOCKER: All right! Now, I want you to say, "Horse-fucker." 
CARTMAN: [hesitating] 
LIAN: Go ahead, Eric. Itís all right. 
CARTMAN: Horse-fucker. [gets shocked] Ow! 
AUDIENCE: [gasping] 
CARTMAN: That hurt, god dammit! [gets shocked] Ow! Fuck! [gets shocked] Hey! 
DR. VOSKNOCKER: Now Iíd like you to say, "Big floppy donkey dick." 
DR. VOSKNOCKER: Success! The child doesnít want to swear! 
AUDIENCE: [cheering madly] 
CARTMAN: This isnít fair, you sons of bitches! [gets shocked] Ow! 
SHEILA: We will start putting V-chips in all our children next week. 
AUDIENCE: [cheering wildly] 
ANCHOR: Snacky Símores presents, "The March of War." Letís hear it for our boys in blue! President Clinton has called them to action, to fight the evil Canadian scourge. A full-scale attack has been launched on Toronto, after the Canadiansí last bombing, which took a horrible toll on the Arquette family. For security measures, our great American government is rounding up all citizens that have any Canadian blood, and putting them into camps. All Canadian-American citizens are to report to one of these Death Camps right away. Did I say, "Death Camps?" I meant, "Happy Camps," where you will eat the finest meals, have access to the fabulous doctors, and be able to exercise regularly. Meanwhile, the war criminals, Terrance and Phillip, are prepped for their execution. Their execution will take place during a fabulous USO show, with special guest celebrities, including Big Gay Al, and Winona Ryder. Of course, the only way to see the USO show is to sign up for the army! So join the army and kill
some Canadian scum, as we continueÖ"The march of War." (Eat Snacky Símores!) 
SHEILA: We must rid ourselves of anything Canadian! 
KYLE: [to kid] Dude, donít you like Terrance and Phillip anymore? 
KID: Ďcourse not! My mommy says I hate Canadians now, Ďcause they made me have a dirty mouth. 
SHEILA: Burn it all! 
CARTMAN: [morosely] Hey, dudes. 
STAN: Whatís the matter, Cartman? 
CARTMAN: Itís this V-chip. I hate it. I canít say any dirty words. 
KYLE: Really? So you canít say, "fuck?" 
KYLE: And you canít say, "Shit?" 
KYLE: So you canít say, "Iím Eric Cartman, the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world?" 
CARTMAN: Fuck you! [gets shocked] Ah! 
KYLE: [laughing] Sweet! 
STAN: Címon, you guys. This has gone far enough. Itís time we talked to our moms. 
KYLE: Weíre supposed to be grounded in our rooms. 
STAN: Címon, Kyle. Itís time for us to get political. 
SHEILA: Canada will no longer corrupt our children! 
KYLE: Mom? Can I talk to you for a second? 
SHEILA: Kyle, what are you doing here? You are grounded! Now get back to the house, and stay there! 
SHARON: You too, Stanley! 
STAN: Mom, we think youíre going too far. You canít kill Terrance and Phillip. 
SHEILA: [ignoring children] We must fight for our childrenís futures! 
STAN: You started a war. You have to stop it. 
SHEILA: To make them safe again! 
STAN: Hello? 
SHEILA: Our children are precious? 
STAN: Hello? 
SHEILA: We must make a stand now! Stop at nothing! 
KYLE: I told you my mom wouldnít listen. 
STAN: Well then weíre just gonna have to save Terrance and Phillip ourselves! 
KYLE and CARTMAN: What? 
STAN: Think about it, you guys. What would Brian Boitano do? Heíd figure out a way to rescue Terrance and Phillip before theyíre executed! 
KYLE: We canít do anything: our momsí organisation is too strong. 
STAN: Well then weíll round up all the grounded kids in town, and start our own organisation. And organisation to help save Terrance and Phillip. 
CARTMAN: Hey, yeah! Our own secret club. 
KYLE: I guess that could work. 
STAN: We have to try! 
What would Brian Boitano do, if he was here right now? 
Heíd make a plan and heíd follow through 
Thatís what Brian Boitanoíd do 
When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics 
Skating for the gold 
He did two salkcows and a triple lutz 
While wearing a blindfold 
When Brian Boitano was in the Alps 
Fighting grizzly bears 
He used his magical fire breath 
And saved the maidens fair 
So, what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? 
Iím sure heíd kick an ass or two 
Thatís what Brian Boitanoíd do 
I want this V-chip out of me 
It has stunted my vocabulary 
And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone 
For Wendy Iíll be an activist too 
Ďcause thatís what Brian Boitano would do 
Thatís what Brian Boitanoíd do 
Heíd call all the kids in town 
And tell them to unite for truth 
Thatís what Brian Boitanoíd do 
BRIAN DENNEHY: Someone say my name? 
STAN: Who are you? 
BRIAN DENNEHY: Iím Brian Dennehy. 
KYLE: What? No, not fuckiní Brian Dennehy! 
STAN: Hey, get the fuck out of here! 
When Brian Boitano traveled in time to the year 3010 
He fought the evil robot king 
And saved the human race again 
And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids 
He beat up Kubila Kahn 
Ďcause Brian Boitano doesnít take shit from anybody 
So letís call all the kids together 
And unite to stop our moms 
And weíll save Terrance and Phillip too 
Ďcause thatís what Brian Boitanoíd do 
And weíll save Terrance and Phillip too 
Ďcause thatís what Brian Boitanoíd do 
Ďcause thatís what Brian Boitanoíd do 
SADDAM: Hey, relax, guy! 
SATAN: [referring to TV] Oh, thereís nothing on. 
SADDAM: You just get cranky when you talk, thatís all. 
SATAN: Iím not cranky! 
ANCHOR: What started as a spat between The United States and Canada is quickly turning into World War III. 
SADDAM: World War III? 
SATAN: Shh. 
ANCHOR: Terrance and Phillip are going to be put to death for crimes against humanity. The time of execution has- 
SATAN: [clicking off TV] It has come to be! The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh! The time of prophesy is upon us! 
SADDAM: Ah, I love when you get all biblical, Satan! You know exactly how to turn my crank. 
SATAN: No, Iím being serious. It is the seventh sign. 
SADDAM: What? 
SATAN: Behold. The first signs of my reign have all come true: the fall of an empire, the coming of a comet. And now, when the blood of these Canadians touches American soil, it will be our time to rise. 
SADDAM: Yeah! Yeah! Man, Iím gettingí so hot! Letís fuck! 
SATAN: Do you always think about sex? Iím talkiní about very important stuff, here. 
SADDAM: Ah, Iím just excited about taking over the world! Come on! 
SATAN: Is sex the only thing that matters to you? 
SADDAM: I love you. 
SATAN: I want to believe that. 
SADDAM: So whaddya say we shut off that light and get close, huh?ÖYeah, you like that, donít you, bitch? 
KYLE: Okay. We can use my dadís computer to call all the kids together. 
STAN: Wait. Before we put a message out, do a search on the word, "Clitoris." 
KYLE: Oh, okayÖ"Found: eight million pages with the word, ĎClitoris.í" 
STAN: Wow! 
KYLE: Iíll just try the first one. "You must be eighteen to enter this website." Okay. "Welcome to ĎGerman Sick Fetish Video.í If you are under eighteen, do not--" well, okayÖ 
GERMAN: Do my sheiza game! 
KYLE: Dude! Itís a lady getting pooed on! 
STAN: Whoa! Is it Cartmanís mom? 
CARTMAN: Oh, very funny. 
KYLE: Hey! It is Cartmanís mom! 
GERMAN: Essen mein sheiza. 
LIAN: All-righty, then! 
CARTMAN: Aw, son of a bitch! [gets shocked] Ow! 
IKE: Ba-ba-ba-ba 
KYLE: Get outta here, Ike. Youíre too young for this stuff. 
IKE: Bull shit. 
STAN: Whatís he doing, now? 
GERMAN: Essen mein sheiza. 
LIAN: Okey-dokey! 
CHILDREN: [watching video] Oh! [gagging] 
GERMAN: [undecipherable] 
STAN: Click it off, dude! Click it off! Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people? 
CARTMAN: All right, all right. Letís just do what we came here to do, and put a message out to kids. 
KYLE: Okay. Letís see, Iíve gotta put out an all-access e-mailÖgod damn your mom sucks, Cartman. 
CARTMAN: Just get to the message board! 
KYLE: Iím trying. I canít find a Canadian server. Iíve got to break in to the mainframeÖDammit! Theyíve got an access code. Iíll try to re-route the encryptionsÖOkay, here we go. [typing] "Want to help Terrance and Phillip? Sneak out after you get tucked into bed tonight, and meet at Carlís Warehouse." 
CARTMAN: Tell Ďem weíll have punch and pie. 
KYLE: Weíre not gonna have punch and pie! 
CARTMAN: More people will come if they think we have punch and pie! 
KYLE: "Öpunch and pie. This is top secret. The password isÖ" 
STAN: "La Resistance." 
RADIO ANNOUNCER: And so, the draft will begin tomorrow, as more and more troops are needed to invade the Canadian border. The Canadian government pleas for a peaceful resolution, but naturally weíre not listening. 
LIAN: Good night, hon. 
CARTMAN: Mom, when is the war gonna be over. 
LIAN: I donít know, hon. Soon, we hope. You want it to end quickly, huh? [leaving the room] 
LIAN: Yes, hon? 
CARTMAN: If you were in a German sheiza video, y-youíd tell me, right? 
LIAN: Sure, hon. Good night! [shuts door] 
CARTMAN: [seeing Kennyís ghost] Ah! Supposed to be dark! 
KENNYíS GHOST: Hereís what you have to do. 
CARTMAN: Kenny! Is that you? 
KENNYíS GHOST: Saddam Hussein and Satan are gonna come to earth and take over the world! 
CARTMAN: Satan? Satan is coming here? 
KENNYíS GHOST: Heís coming here with Saddam Hussein! 
CARTMAN: Saddam Hussein? That doesnít make sense, Kenny! 
KENNY: [undecipherable] 
CARTMAN: [screaming] 
LIAN: Eric, what is it? 
CARTMAN: I saw him! I saw Kenny! 
LIAN: Oh, you poor dear! Youíve been through so much. 
CARTMAN: I bet him he couldnít light a fart on fire, and now heís all pissed off. [gets shocked] Ďey! I canít say "Pissed off?" [gets shocked] Yaa! 
SATAN: The execution of Terrance and Phillip is imminent. Soon, Saddam and I will rule the world. [laughing maniacally] 
SADDAM: Hey, Satan. I got some new luggage for our trip up to earth. Letís fuck to celebrate! 
SATAN: Whatís it like up on earth, Saddam? Tell me about it again. 
SADDAM: Aw, letís not talk. Letís get busy! 
SATAN: Do you remember when we first got here? We used to talk all night long, until the sun came up. We would just lie in bed andÖtalk. 
SADDAM: Well, yeah, Ďcause I was still waitiní to get you in bed, dummy! 
SATAN: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend Iím somebody else? 
SADDAM: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Whoím I gonna pretend you are, Liza Minelli? 
SATAN: [walking away] 
SADDAM: Aw, donít get all pissy. 
SATAN: [sighing] 
Sometimes I think 
When I look up real high 
That thereís such a big world up there 
Iíd like to give it a try 
But then, I sink 
Ďcause itís here Iím síposed to stay 
But I get so lonely down here 
Tell me: whyís it have to be that way? 
Up there, thereís so much room 
Where babies burp and flowers bloom 
Everyone dreams, I can dream too 
Up there, up where 
The skies are ocean-blue 
I could be safe and 
Live without a care 
Up there 
Oh, oh, oh 
They say I donít belong 
I must stay below, alone 
Hoo-ooh, hoo-ooh 
Because of my beliefs 
Iím supposed to stay where evil is sewn 
But what is evil, anyway? 
Is there reason to the rhyme? 
Ooh-ooh, ooh ooh ooh 
Without evil thereíd be no good 
So it must be good to be evil sometimes 
Up there 
Thereís so much room 
Where babies burp and flowers bloom 
Every dreams, I can dream too 
Up there 
Up where the skies are ocean blue 
I could be safe and 
Live without a care 
Without a care! 
Live without a care 
If only I could live upÖ [screaming] there! 
I wanna live 
I wanna live up 
I want to live up there! 
KYLE: [as Cartman rushes in] Youíre late, Cartman! 
CARTMAN: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me. 
KYLE: Your "behind"? 
CARTMAN: I have to say "behind" Ďcause I get shocked if I say, "Ass." [gets shocked] Ow! 
KYLE: Did you bring the punch and pie? 
CARTMAN: No! You guys! Something happened! I donít think Kennyís dead. 
KYLE: What? 
CARTMAN: I saw him in my room. 
KYLE: I know, Cartman, I know. I see Kenny every day. 
CARTMAN: You do? 
KYLE: Sure, dude. On the face of every child. On the smile of every baby. 
KYLE and STAN: [laughing] 
CARTMAN: Hey! Iím telling you, this was Kenny. He said that if Terrance and Phillip die, Saddam Hussein and Satan are gonna come up and rule the world. 
KYLE: Saddam Hussein? [as somebody knocks on the door] Who is it? 
GREGORY: Iím here for La Resistance. 
KYLE: Whatís the password? 
GREGORY: Uh, I donít know. 
KYLE: Guess. 
GREGORY: Uh, "Bacon." 
KYLE: Okay. 
GREGORY: Viva La Resistance! 
STAN: Oh, no, itís that kid! 
GREGORY: [to Wendy] This is the place. 
STAN: Wendy? 
WENDY: Stan? You started La Resistance? 
STAN: [barfs on Wendy] 
GREGORY: Well, apparently youíre more political than we thought. Let us get this meeting underway. When are the others coming? 
KYLE: Wow! A lot of people showed up. 
STAN: Ďkay, uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killedÖand we think that sucks ass! [calling on kid] Yes? 
KID: Uh, we were to understand thereíd be pie and punch? 
STAN: There isnít any. 
KID: Oh. [leaves with one other kid] 
STAN: Uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed, so we think we shouldÖprank call a bunch of policemen! A-and, and have pizzas sent to them that they didnít order! Viva La Resistance! 
GREGORY: [disgusted] Oh, huh. Uh, may I? 
STAN: What? 
GREGORY: [addressing map] Terrance and Phillip are currently being held at the Canadian internment camp two kilometres outside of town. Theyíre to be executed tomorrow, during a star-studded USO show for the troops. 
STAN: Tomorrow? 
GREGORY: Once the show begins, we should have about one hour to get Terrance and Phillip out of their cell, and into this clearing. There we will all rendezvous, and together, take Terrance and Phillip safely back to Canada. 
KYLE: Wow, dude! Wendyís new guy is smart. 
GREGORY: You must meet me at the rendezvous point at precisely ten p.m. Sneaking into the show and breaking out Terrance and Phillip will be the most dangerous part, so Iíll go myself. 
STAN: No! Weíre going. We started La Resistance, weíll get Terrance and Phillip and meet you at the rendez-vouse point. 
GREGORY: ThisÖwill be very dangerous. Are you quite sure? 
CARTMAN: Fuck that! [gets shocked] Ah! 
STAN: Cartman, do you want that V-chip in you forever? Weíre going. Now, letís run through the plan. 
SOLDIER: Now, uh, when you shoot somebody, you actually go for the somewhat vitalÖ 
JIMBO MARSH: Oh, boy! Military action, Ned. Letís kill us some god damn Australians! 
NED: I think weíre fighting Canadians. 
JIMBO: Canadians, Australians. Whatís the difference? 
MR. GARRISON: Yeah! This uniform makes me feel like a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat. 
MR. HAT: [via Mr. Garrison] It sure does, Mr. Garrison! 
MR. GARRISON: Oh, boy. I canít wait for our first shore leave, so I can get me some fuckiní poontang. 
GENERAL: Tomorrow night is the USO show, for all you troops. There will be celebrities, followed by the execution of Terrance and Phillip. 
SOLDIERS: [cheering madly] 
GENERAL: After the show, we will finally be sending ground troops into Canada. So letís strategise! Map! [a holographic map appears] Our sources have told us that the Canadians are preparing for our invasion, so we must use caution. Each battalion has a specific code-name and mission. Battalion Five, raise your hands. [all blacks raise their hands] You will be the all-important first attack wave, which we will call, "Operation: Human Shield." 
CHEF: Hey, wait a minute! 
GENERAL: Now, keep in mind, "Operation: Human Shield" will suffer heavy losses. Battalion Fourteen? [all whites raise their hands] Right. You are, "Operation: Get-Behind-The-Darkies." You will follow Battalion Five, here. And try not to get killed, for godís sake! Are there any questions, men? [recognising Chef] Yes, soldier? 
CHEF: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation? 
GENERAL: I donít listen to hip-hop. After that, we will march into the heart of Canada, and we will [Saddamís visage begins to take over the hologram] Oh, whatís wrong with this thing? Itís fuckiní Windows í98! Get Bill Gates in hereÖ [to Bill Gates] You told us Windows í98 would be faster, and more efficient, with better access to the Internet. 
BILL GATES: It is faster! Over five million- 
GENERAL: [shoots Bill Gates dead] All right, men! Get lots of rest, and prepare [undecipherable] 
SOLDIERS: [cheering madly] 
GREGORY: After you have Terrance and Phillip, quietly make your way to this ridge. We will be waiting for you there. We cannot wait for long. So if youíre not there at ten, we will have to leave. 
STAN: Gotcha! 
GREGORY: You are indeed brave. But you will need help from someone whoís done this sort of thing before. Hereís the address of, "The Mole." 
STAN: "The Mole?" 
GREGORY: He is an expert in covert operations. A mercenary-for-hire. Your first task will be obtaining him. Get lots of sleep. Tomorrow, we will all be risking our livesÖfor freedom. 
God has smiled upon you this day 
The fate of a nation in your hands 
And blessed be the children 
Who fight with all our bravery 
Ďtil only the righteous stand 
You see the distant flames 
They bellow in the night 
You fight in all our names 
For what we know is right 
And when you all get shot 
And cannot carry on 
Though you die 
La Resistance lives on 
You may get stabbed in the head 
With a dagger or a sword 
You might be burned to death 
Or skinned alive, or worse 
But when they torture you 
You will have nothing to run for 
Though you die 
La Resistance lives on 
Blame Canada 
Blame Canada 
Because the countryís gone awry 
Tomorrow night these freaks will fry 
Tomorrow night 
Our lives will change 
Tomorrow night 
Weíll be entertained 
An execution 
What a sight 
Tomorrow night 
Up there, thereís so much room 
Where babies burp and flowers bloom 
Tomorrow night up there is doom 
And so I will be going soon 
Shut your fuckiní face, uncle fucka 
Youíre a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka 
Looks like we may be out of luck 
Tomorrow night weíre pretty fucked 
Why did our mothers start this war? 
What the fuck are they fighting for? 
Will they disown me Ďcause Iím learned to cuss? 
I want to be up there 
Weíre gonna send our boys to deal with Celine Dion! 
They may cut your dick in half 
Tomorrow night 
And serve it to a pig 
Our lives will change 
And though it hurts youíll laugh 
Tomorrow night 
And dance a dickless jig 
Weíll be entertained 
Thatís the way it goes 
And weíll be shat upon 
Though we die 
I want to be 
La Resistance 
[screaming] Lives on! 
Blame Canada 
Blame Canada 
Blame Canada 
SADDAM: I donít know if I can sleep (if you know what I mean). 
SATAN: [reading Saddam is From Mars, Satan is From Venus] This book is really interesting. It talks about how people communicate differently. Like, I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and you communicate- 
SADDAM: Hey, that is interestingÖLetís fuck! 
SATAN: Saddam, Iím trying to have a nice conversation with you. 
SADDAM: [revealing a very realistic-looking dildo] Hey SatanÖ 
SATAN: Oh! Now, that is just not appropriate! 
SADDAM: Aw, címon, Iím just fuckiní with you. [tossing it aside] Itís not real. 
SATAN: Oh, well, thatís still not appropriate. 
SADDAM: [revealing second dildo] Ďey, SatanÖ 
SATAN: Oh! [gets up to leave] 
SADDAM: Hey, itís not real, either. Címon, guy! 
SATAN: [sobbing] 
KENNY: [noticing Satanís distress] Whatís wrong? 
SATAN: [attempting to regain composure] Oh! Uh, uhÖha ha ha ha! Soon, the world will belong to me! 
KENNY: No, whatís wrong, dude? 
SATAN: Itís Saddam. He doesnít nurture my emotions. He just wants sex, and canít learn to communicate. 
KENNY: Why donít you just fuckiní leave him? 
SATAN: Youíre right. I should leave him. Iím just gonna tell him, "Saddam, Iím going to earth to rule alone." Iím strong, and I donít need him. 
KENNY: Good for you! 
Todayís the day for the USO show 
Weíre so happy we get to go 
I donít know, but Iíve been told 
[undecipherable] Öis mighty bold 
STAN: Ike, you have to stay in the attic. Ďcause if they find you, theyíll put you in a Canadian concentration camp. Donít worry, Ike, weíre gonna put an end to this. And then Iíll make mom come home, and weíll be a family again. [leaves] 
IKE: I like babyís home. [starts jamming on harmonica] 
STAN: Hi. We need to speak with "The Mole." 
MOTHER: Iím sorry. "The Mole" is grounded. He canít come out and play. 
KYLE: What? Heís a kid? 
MOTHER: He said very naughty things about god. 
STAN: Oh, well, can we just talk to him for five seconds, please? 
MOTHER: Well, all rightÖChristoffe! 
STAN: Hi, uhÖweíre gonna go rescue Terrance and Phillip from the USO show, and we were just- 
"THE MOLE": Shh! Who are you? Who sent you? 
STAN: That Gregory kid! He said you could sneak us in. 
"THE MOLE": Are you telling me, that you intend, to break into the USO show, filled with thousands of soldiers, and break out Terrance and Phillippe? 
CARTMAN: I thought it was a pretty stupid idea, too. 
STAN: Weíre La Resistance. We wanna save Terrance and Phillip, and stop the war and stuff. 
"THE MOLE": I canít help you. Iím grounded in my room for the next three days. 
KYLE: So are we. Our parents think weíre home right now. Why are you grounded? 
"THE MOLE": Why? Because god hates me, thatís why. He has made my life miserable. So I called him a cocksucking asshole. Then I get grounded. 
KYLE: So will you help us? 
"THE MOLE": Very well. Meet me in the back yard in five minutes. Viva La Resistance! Weíll show god that weíre not gonna fucking take any more- 
MOTHER: What? Christoffe, get in here! 
"THE MOLE": Coming, mother! 
SATAN: [to self] I must be strong. I must be strong. [entering room] Saddam, I need to talk to you. 
SADDAM: Ah! You better get packiní, bitch. We have to go! Weíre running out of time! 
SATAN: [sighs] Saddam, sometimes you can love a person very much, but still know that they arenít right for you. 
SADDAM: What the fuck are you talking about? 
SATAN: You treat me like shit, Saddam. Iím leaving you. Iím going up to earth to rule alone. 
SADDAM: No! No, you canít do that! 
SATAN: Iím sorry. But I have to be strong. 
SADDAM: Satan, please. Gimme another chance. I have to go to earth. 
SATAN: You donít even have any respect for me. 
SADDAM: Ah, sure I do, guy! Hey, just hear me out. 
Some people say that Iím a bad guy 
They may be right 
They may be right 
But itís not as if I donít try 
I just fuck up 
Try as I might 
But I can change 
I can change 
I can learn to keep my promises 
I swear it 
Iíll open up my heart and I will share it 
Any minute now I will be born again 
Ďcause I can change 
I can change 
I know Iíve been a dirty little bastard 
I like to kill 
I like to rape 
Iíve gone insane as you can see 
But I can change 
Itís not my fault that Iím so evil 
Itís society 
You see my parents were sometimes abusive 
And it made 
A prick of me 
But I can change 
I can change 
What if you remain a sandy little butthole? 
Ďey, Satan 
Donít be such a twit 
Mother Theresa wonít have shit 
On me 
Just watch 
Just watch me change 
Here I go: Iím changing! 
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! 
SADDAM: You see? Iíve really matured. 
SATAN: Oh, all right. 
SADDAM: All right! 
SATAN: Come on, we have to hurry. 
SADDAM: Now youíve got it. 
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen of the US Army, welcome to the USO show! 
SOLDIERS: [cheering] 
ANNOUNCER: Get ready for loads of entertainment and fabulous celebrities, followed immediately by the nasty execution of Terrance and Phillip. 
"THE MOLE": This is the USO show, where those military bitches intend to kill Terrance and Phillippe. 
KYLE: Oh, my god! 
"THE MOLE": God? He is the biggest bitch of them all! 
STAN: We have to hurry. We rendez-vouse with the other kids at ten. 
"THE MOLE": You realise that by doing this we could be grounded for two, perhaps even three weeks? 
STAN: Weíre willing to take that risk. 
"THE MOLE": Then, letís go! 
ANNOUNCER: And now, here are your hosts for the evening: Sheila Broflovski, and Big Gay Al. 
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] 
SHEILA: Al, tonight is a very special night. Do you know why? 
BIG GAY AL: Ooh-hoo, theyíre having a sale at Mervís? 
SOLDIERS: [laughing] 
SHEILA: No. Because, weíre going to abolish Canadian smut. 
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] 
BIG GAY AL: Thatís right, Sheila! Bring out the condemned! 
SOLDIERS: [booing mercilessly] 
SHEILA: Today is a great day for democracy! 
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] 
TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip. This is worse than that night I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture! 
PHILLIP: I know, Terrance, I know. 
BIG GAY AL: Well, Sheila. While youíre getting set up over there, letís bring out our first act: Yippee the back-flipping dog! 
YIPPEE: [yipping, back-flipping] 
SOLDIERS: [polite applause] 
"THE MOLE": [going under barbed wire fence] Be careful not to touch this wire. 
CARTMAN: [getting caught] Stop! Mother fucker! [gets shocked] Ah! Fuck! [gets shocked] Fuck! Fuck! 
"THE MOLE": Sheet! The USO show has started. We are running out of time! 
KYLE: Do you see Terrance and Phillip? 
"THE MOLE": Yes, but they are heavily guarded. We have to dig from here, so as not to be seen. Come on, bitches! 
STAN: Hey, "Mole." Do you know where the clitoris is? 
"THE MOLE": Ze what? 
STAN: The clitoris. I have to find the clitoris so I can get this Wendy girl to like me aga- 
"THE MOLE": Hey! You need to stop thinking with your dick! You have to be on your toes. Because I am not going to be grounded again! Not for you! Not for anybody! 
SHEILA: Men, when youíre out there, in the battlefield, and youíre looking into the beady eyes of a Canadian as he charges you with his hockey stick (or whatever he has), and people are dying all around you, just remember what the MPAA says: "Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people donít say any naughty words." That is what this war is all about! 
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] 
KYLE: What? 
"THE MOLE": Sheet! Ö Move move! Ö Okay, we will split up here. Letís synchronise watches. 
STAN: We donít have watches. 
"THE MOLE": You donít have watches? 
STAN: Dude, you didnít say anything about watches. 
"THE MOLE": What do you think this is, kid? TV kiddee hour where we all sit around and lick Barney the dinosaurís fucking pussy? Huh? This is real life, the consequences you take to the grave! 
STAN: Dude, we donít have watches! 
"THE MOLE": Sheet! Did you bring ze mirror? 
STAN: Got it. 
"THE MOLE": And the rope? 
STAN: Check. 
"THE MOLE": And the buttfor? 
KYLE: Whatís a butt for? 
"THE MOLE": For pooping, silly. [dramatic cigarette smoke exhalation] Now listen carefully. I will dig under the stage, and with that bedrock, I will need more time. Stan and Kyle, get near the stage and stall the show, any way you can. Do whatever it takes to keep that show going, until I get ze prisoners. 
STAN: Okay. 
"THE MOLE": Cart Man, Over zere is the electrical box. You must sneak over there and shut it off before I return with Terrance and Phillippe, or ze alarms will sound, and I will be attacked by guard dogs. Got it? 
"THE MOLE": You must shut off the alarms! I fucking hate guard dogs! 
CARTMAN: I heard you the first time, you British piece of shit! [gets shocked] Ah! 
"THE MOLE": If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe. 
STAN: Whatís a dying giraffe sound like? 
"THE MOLE": [makes sound like dying giraffe] 
STAN: Ďkay. 
"THE MOLE": Letís go! 
STAN: Be careful, dude! 
"THE MOLE": Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in ze womb? [begins tunneling] 
KYLE: Damn, dude, that kid is fucked up. 
BIG GAY AL: How are those chairs coming, Sheila? 
SHEILA: Al, weíre minutes away! 
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] 
BIG GAY AL: Super! In the meantime, hereís pint-sized pixie, and darling of the indie movie scene, Winona Ryder! 
WINONA RYDER: Hi, guys! Iím super-psyched to be here today. What youíre doing for our country is so cool! I mean, war, man. Wow. War. Yíknow? Wow. Okay! And now for your enjoyment, hereís my famous ping pong ball trick! 
BIG GAY AL: [watching her perform] Oh, my! 
CARTMAN: [mocking "The Mole"] "Shut off ze power, Cartman. Zis is very important, Cartman." 
SOLDIER: Dude, did you hear what Winona Ryderís doing? 
SOLDIER: Canít miss this! 
WINONA RYDER: There, I didnít miss one! Thatís my ping pong ball trick! 
SOLDIERS: [very light applause] 
BIG GAY AL: Well, thatís all the acts we have for you tonight, so letís just get on with the execution! 
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] 
STAN: Oh, no! We have to stall him. More! More! 
SOLDIERS: Yeah! More! 
BIG GAY AL: Oh, you big sillys! You want to see more of me? 
STAN: Yeah! Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al! 
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al! 
BIG GAY AL: Well, I do have a little song I wrote about the war. Oh, but we havenít rehearsed. 
STAN: Sing it! 
SOLDIERS: Yeah! Sing it! 
BIG GAY AL: Oh, I canít. 
KYLE: Sing the fucking song! 
BIG GAY AL: Well, all right. If you insist, Iíll sing my song. 
SOLDIERS: [cheering] 
BIG GAY AL: I believe it goes a little bit, like this. 
Bombs are flying 
People are dying 
Children are crying 
Politicians are lying too 
Cancer is killing 
Texacoís spilling 
The whole worldís gone to Hell 
But how are you? 
Iím super! 
Thanks for asking! 
All things considered 
I couldnít be better I must say 
Iím feeliní super 
No, nothiní bugs me 
Everything is super when youíre 
Donít you think I look cute in this hat? 
Iím so sorry 
Mr. Cripple 
But I just canít feel to bad for you right now 
Because Iím feeling 
So insanely super 
That even the fact that you canít walk 
Canít bring me down 
Heís super 
Thanks for asking 
All things considered 
He couldnít be better, he must say 
Iím super! 
No, nothiní bugs me! 
Everything is super when youíre 
Donít you think I look cute in this 
Happy little pants and matching tie I got at Mervís? 
Iím super 
[undecipherable] as well 
BIG GAY AL: Stick Ďem up! 
Big Gay Al says 
You went to town 
Yes, heís super 
And heís proud to be gay 
BIG GAY AL: Okay! 
Everything is super when youíre 
When youíre gay 
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] 
STAN and KYLE: Again! Again! 
CARTMAN: [about to shut off power as Kennyís ghost appears] Whoís that? 
KENNYíS GHOST: [undecipherable] 
CARTMAN: Not again! Hey!ÖTheyíre coming?ÖBut our moms wonít listen to us. 
KENNYíS GHOST: [undecipherable, but ominous] 
CARTMAN: [runs away screaming] 
BIG GAY AL: Okay, everybody. Just wanna take a minute here to thank all our wonderful sponsors we had tonightÖ 
STAN: [referring to "The Mole"] Heís almost got Ďem! 
"THE MOLE": [to Terrance and Phillip] Shh! We are here to rescue you! After I release you, follow me through the tunnel. 
CARTMAN: You guys! 
STAN: What, Cartman? 
CARTMAN: Kenny! I saw Kenny again! 
KYLE: Did you shut the alarm off, Cartman?ÖCartman? 
CARTMAN: Whoops. 
KYLE: Oh, shit! 
STAN and KYLE: [make sound like dying giraffe] 
SOLDIER: Hey, did you hear that? Sounds like a giraffe is dying over there. 
SHEILA: [as alarm goes off] Ah! 
"THE MOLE": Sheet! 
SHEILA: A spy! 
SOLDIER: Get him! 
"THE MOLE": [being attacked by dogs] Sheet! 
STAN: Oh, no!ÖCome on, "Mole," come on! 
"THE MOLE": Sheet! Sheet! Fucking guard dogs! Sheet! Ze alarms! Zey went off! 
CARTMAN: Yeah, that was my bad. Sorry. 
"THE MOLE": [coughing] So very cold. Zere is no hope now. You must get out of here. 
KYLE: We canít leave without you! 
"THE MOLE": Itís okay, Iím done for. 
KYLE: No! We canít leave without you. We donít know where the hell we are! 
"THE MOLE": Where is your god when you need him? Huh? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now? [coughing] Here I come, god. Here I come, you fucking rat! [coughing] 
Now the light, she fades 
And darkness settles in 
But I will find strength 
KYLE: No, "Mole," hang on. 
I will find pride within 
KYLE: Weíll get you home. 
Because although I die 
KYLE: I canít face my mother. 
Our freedom will be won 
KYLE: Not alone. 
Though I die 
La ResistanceÖlivesÖon [dies] 
KYLE: Shit! 
BIG GAY AL: Okay, folks, here it is. The moment weíve all been waiting for: the execution! 
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] 
SATAN: The day is ours. 
BIG GAY AL: Super! 
STAN: Oh no, dude, itís happening! We have to tell them about Saddam Hussein and Satan. 
KYLE: No way, dude! My mom canít see me here. 
STAN: Kyle, you have to stand up to your mother. Come on! 
SHEILA: Gentlemen, do you have nay last woids? 
PHILLIP: Last words? Howís aboot, "Get me the fuck out of this chair!" Howís that for last words? 
SHEILA: All right anonymous, ready the switch! 
STAN: Wait! 
SHARON: Stanley! 
LIAN: Eric! 
SHEILA: Kyle! 
STAN: Go on, dude, tell her. 
KYLE: IÖI canít. 
STAN: You canít kill Terrance and Phillip. If they die, Satan and Saddam Hussein are gonna come take over the world. 
PARENTS: [laughing] 
SHEILA: Throw the switch, Mr. Garrison! 
MR. GARRISON: Hey, Iím supposed to be anonymous. [throws switch] 
SHEILA: Goodbye, bastards! 
STAN: No! 
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: [farting and laughing] 
SOLDIERS: [cheering] 
MR. GARRISON: [as Canadian airforce unleashes an attack] The Canadians are attacking! Run for your lives! 
CARTMAN: Címon, we have to shut off the power! [shutting off power] Oh, fuck! [gets shocked] 
PHILLIP: Hey, some little fat kid saved us! 
CARTMAN: [continuing to get shocked, as V-chip begins to go haywire] 
STAN: Terrance and Phillip wait. We have to get you to the rendez-vouse point! 
JIMBO: Ned, behind you! [much carnage] 
THE CLITORIS: [to Stan] Be not afraid. 
STAN: Oh, my god! 
THE CLITORIS: Behold my glory! 
STAN: WhatÖare you? 
THE CLITORIS: I am the clitoris. 
STAN: The clitoris? I did it! I found the clitoris! 
THE CLITORIS: Stan! You must not let Terrance and Phillipís blood be spilled on the ground! 
STAN: Wait. Youíre supposed to tell me how to get Wendy to like me. 
THE CLITORIS: There are more important matters right now. 
STAN: No way, dude! Iíve looked all over for you, and now you have to tell me how to get Wendy to like me. 
THE CLITORIS: Dude, you just have to have confidence in yourself. Believe in yourself and others will believe in you. Chicks love confidence. Now go, hurry! The clitoris has spoken. [disappears] 
WENDY: Stan! Stan, are you okay? 
GREGORY: I see youíve failed in your mission. I should not have sent a boy to do a manís job. 
STAN: Come on, everyone. Weíve got precious little time. 
MR. MACKIE: Die Canadians, míkay? 
PHILLIP: [farts] Did you hear that, Terrance? I farted. 
TERRANCE: You did? Just now? 
BOTH: [laughing hysterically] 
KYLE: Terrance and Phillip! 
CARTMAN: We have to get you to the rendez-vouse point. Hey, itís Mr. Garrison! 
MR. GARRISON: [under siege] ChildrenÖtake Mist-Mr. Hat. Please. Get him out of here! 
CARTMAN: Holy shit! [V-chip gets all screwy] Man, this V-chip is gettingí all screwy! 
KYLE: Take cover in the trench. 
GENERAL: All right, men! "Human Shields" up front, then "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies." Remember "Human Shields:" protect our tanks and planes, too! 
CHEF: Holy mother of Jehosephat! 
CANADIAN COMMANDER: Fire on my command! 
CHEF: All right, squad. Just like I told you. OneÖtwoÖ 
BLACK SOLDIER: [in Jar Jar Binks-ese] Yousome people gonna die? 
CHEF: Öthree! [black soldiers get out of the way of oncoming Canadian firepower, leaving white soldiers exposed] 
BLACK SOLDIER: Great plan, Chef! 
CHEF: "Operation: Human Shield" my ass! 
SHARON: Oh, my god, this is terrible! 
SHEILA: This is what we wanted! We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment! 
SHARON: But we didnít want this! 
SHEILA: Where are you going? 
SHARON: Weíre going to find our boys. For godís sake, Sheila, weíre going to get them killed! 
CARTMAN: Hey, Kyle. All those times I said you were a big, dumb jew? I didnít mean it. Youíre not a jew. 
KYLE: Yes, I am. I am a Jew, Cartman! 
CARTMAN: No, no, Kyle. Donít be so hard on yourself. What the hell am I still holding this for? [discarding Mr. Hat] 
MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat! No! 
KYLE: Fuck this, dude. Iím getting out of here, before I get in really big trouble. 
CARTMAN: I heard that! 
KYLE: [seeing Stan] Stan! 
STAN: Dude, I found the clitoris! So now I think I can get Wendy to like me again. 
KYLE: Wow, thatís swell, Stan! 
CARTMAN: Yeah, allís well that ends well, huh? I guess we can all go home now, you dipshit. [shocks Kyle] 
KYLE: Ow! 
CARTMAN: Boy, whatís wrong with this thing? 
STAN: Címon! We canít let Terrance and Phillip die! Or else the whole worldís gonna end. 
PHILLIP: Terrance, look! 
GENERAL: There they are! 
TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip, weíre done for! 
GENERAL: All right, men, fire! 
PHILLIP: Goodbye, Terrance. 
GENERAL: [seeing Stan in the way] What is this? 
STAN: Donít shoot! 
SHEILA: Iíll take care of this. Kids, get out of the way now!ÖKyle! 
KYLE: Iím not gonna let you kill them, mom. 
SHEILA: What-what-what? 
KYLE: IímÖnotÖmoving! 
GENERAL: Stand down, children. You can still see fart jokes on Nickelodeon. 
STAN: No! This is about more than fart jokes! This is about freedom of speech. About censorshipÖandÖstuff. 
KYLE: What about Ike, huh mom? Did you forget that your own adopted son is Canadian? 
SOLDIERS: [gasping] 
SHEILA: IímÖI-I-Iím doing very important things. 
KYLE: But mom, you never took the time to talk to me. Whenever I get in trouble, you go off and blame everybody else. But Iím the one to blame. Deal with me. You keep going off and fighting all these causes. But I donít want a fighter. I want my mom. 
BIG GAY AL: [sobbing] Poor little fella! 
SHEILA: No! [as Terrance and Phillip are shot] 
KYLE: Holy shit, dude! 
SHEILA: Young man, you watch your mouth! 
SATAN: [emerging with Saddam through the center of the earth] My time has come! 
SADDAM: Youíre all really fucked now! 
GENERAL: Itís Saddam Hussein! Kill him! 
SADDAM: [laughing as bullets bounce off him] What a dummy! 
SATAN: You have spilled the blood of the innocent. Now begins two million years of darkness! 
CHEF: Oh, good job, Ms. Broflovski. Thanks a lot. 
SHEILA: I was just trying to make the world a better place for children. 
SADDAM: Yeah! And you brought enough intolerance to the world to allow my coming. Now, everyone bow down to me! [laughing maniacally] Yeah, bow down to me! 
GENERAL: God, what have we done? 
SATAN: Saddam, I am the dark ruler, not you. 
SADDAM: [slapping Satan] Relax, bitch. Youíre better seen, not heard. 
KENNY: Satan, you gotta do something! 
SATAN: IÖcanít. 
SADDAM: Letís start by building a big statue of me. Right over there where that fat kid is standing. 
CARTMAN: Hey! Donít call me fat, buttfucker! [shocks Saddam] 
STAN: Yeah, Cartman. Do it! 
CARTMAN: Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckiní authorita! [shocks Saddam] 
SADDAM: Yikes! Hey! You need to watch your mouth, fat! 
CARTMAN: Dumbshit fucker! [shocks Saddam with increasing ferocity] 
SADDAM: Quick, Satan. Do something. 
CARTMAN: Try this on for size: blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle! [shocks Saddam] 
SADDAM: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But donít worry. I can change. 
CARTMAN: OkayÖnot! Fuck! Shit! Cock! Ass! Shitty boner bitch! Muff! Pussy! Cock! Butthole! Barbara Streisand! [shocks Saddam intensely] 
SADDAM: [to Satan] What are you waiting for, bitch. Destroy him! Come on, you weak, stupid come-bucket. Save me. 
SATAN: Thatís it! I have had enough of you! [throws Saddam back down to Hell, impaling him on a jutting rock formation] Ö He spent so much time convincing me I was weak and stupid that IÖbelieved it myself. [to Kenny] I have you to thank, little one. You showed me that I had to get away from him. Just make any wish you want, and I shall grant it. 
KENNY: [undecipherable] 
STAN: [gasping] Are you sure, Kenny? 
GENERAL: What did he say? 
STAN: He said his wish is for everything to go back, the way it was, before this horrible war. 
CHEF: Kenny, you realise, that means youíd go back, too? 
KENNY: I knowÖ [undecipherable] 
SATAN: Well, very well, then. I will pull all my minions back. I guess Iím destined to live in HellÖalone. [noticing Mr. Hat] Hello! Whatís this? Hi there, little guy. Would you like to go to Hell with me? 
MR. HAT: [via Satan] Sure. I bet we could be best friends, Mr. Satan. 
CHEF: Feel free to come back and visit us any time you want, Satan. 
SATAN: I just might do that. 
KYLE: Thank you, Kenny! 
STAN: Yeah, thanks for going back to Hell for us. Youíre a real pal! 
KENNY: [removing hood and enunciating clearly] Goodbye, you guys. 
[everything is returned to normal] 
MR. GARRISON: I-Iím alive! Whereís Mr. Hat? 
BIG GAY AL: Wow! We were all dying, and now weíre fine! Thatís super! 
TERRANCE: [coming back to life] What the fuckís going on? 
KYLE: You see, mom? After all that, it was Cartmanís filthy fucking mouth that saved us all. 
SHEILA: Iím sorry I didnít pay attention to you, Kyle. [gives him a kiss] 
WENDY: [gives Stan a kiss] 
STAN: [barfs on Wendy] But Wendy, what about Gregory? 
WENDY: Oh, Stan, I never really cared for Gregory. 
STAN: You didnít? 
WENDY: No, dude. Fuck Gregory! Fuck him right in the ear! 
STAN: Yay! Thank you, clitoris! 
Everything worked out 
What a happy end 
Americans and Canadians 
Are friends again 
So letís all join hands 
And knock oppression down 
Donít you know that 
Our lives are now complete? 
Ďcause Terrance and Phillip are sweet 
SHEILA: Super Sweet! 
Thank god we live in this quiet 
Little inbred, podunk 
Mountain town 
KYLE: [seeing Kenny ascend to heaven] Look! 
[closing credits]