SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER & UNCUT
SOUTH PARK (passim) STAN MARSH: There’s a bunch of birds in the sky And some deers just went running by Oh, the snow’s pure and white On the earth rich and brown Just another Sunday morning In my quiet mountain…TOWN The sun is shining and the grass is green (Under the three feet of snow I mean) This is a day when it’s hard to wear a frown All the happy people stop to say hello TOWNSPERSON: Get out of my way! STAN: Even though the temperature’s low It’s a perfect Sunday morning In my quiet little mountain town SHARON MARSH: Well, good morning, Stan. STAN: Mom, can I have eight dollars to see a movie? SHARON: A movie? STAN: Yeah. It’s gonna be the best movie ever! It’s a foreign film, from Canada. SHARON: All right, here ya go. But be back for supper. STAN: Thanks, mom! SHARON: Oh, what a picture-perfect child Just like Jesus he’s tender and mild He’d wear a smile while he wore a thorny crown What an angel With a heart so sweet and sure And a mind so open and pure Thank God we live in this quiet redneck mountain town STAN: [knocking on Kenny’s door] Dude! Dude, wake up!…Kenny, come on! KENNY MCCORMICK: Coming! STAN: Kenny, the Terrance and Phillip movie is out! You wanna come? KENNY: [undecipherable] MRS. MCCORMICK: Where do you think you’re going? KENNY: I’m going to the Terrance and Phillip movie! MRS. MCCORMICK: You can’t! You have to go to church. KENNY: But mom, I want to go to the movie! MRS. MCCORMICK: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan! KENNY: Okay! STAN: You can see your breath hanging in the air You see homeless people But you just don’t care It’s a sea of smiles In which we’d be glad to drown KENNY: And this movie's gonna make our lives complete ‘cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet STAN: That’s right! STAN: It’s Sunday Morning STAN and CHOIR: In my quiet little whitebread redneck mountain town IKE BROFLOVSKI: Ba-ba-ba-ba. KYLE BROFLOVSKI: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby! IKE: Don’t kick the baby. KYLE: Kick the baby. [kicks Ike] Ike: [screams] SHEILA BROFLOVSKI: [seeing Ike crash through the window] Ike! You broke another window! That’s a bad baby! Bad baby! STAN: Kyle, we’re going to the Terrance and Phillip movie! KYLE: Oh my God, dude! SHEILA: Kyle, where are you going? KYLE: Uh, we’re going ice-skating. SHEILA: Well take your little brother out with you. KYLE: Aw, ma! He’s not even my real brother. He’s adopted. SHEILA: Do as I say, Kyle! KYLE: Okay, okay, I’m sorry. SHEILA: Look at those frail and fragile boys It really gets me down The woild is such a rotten place And city life’s a complete disgrace That’s why I moved to this redneck, meshuggenah, quiet mountain town SHEILA: [seeing Ike crash through the window again] Ike! Bad baby! TV ANNOUNCER: This program is brought to you by Snacky S’mores: the creamy fun of s’mores in a delightful cookie crunch. ERIC CARTMAN: [hearing doorbell ring] Mom! Somebody’s at the door! LIAN CARTMAN: Coming, hon! CARTMAN: [as mom walks in front of the TV] ‘ey, I can’t see the TV! TV NEWS ANCHOR: It’s been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars, and the world is still glad to be rid of him. LIAN: Oh look, Eric: it’s your little friends. IKE: Cartman! CARTMAN: What are you guys doing here? [seeing an ad for the Terrance and Phillip movie] Oh, sweet, dude! Yes! Yes! CHILDREN: Off to the movie we shall go Where we learn everything that we know ‘cause the movies teach us What our parents don’t have time to say And this movie’s gonna make our lives complete ‘cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet CARTMAN: Super sweet! CHILDREN: Thank God we live in the Quiet little redneck, podunk, white trash KENNY: [undecipherable] CHILDREN: U…S…A OUTSIDE THE CINEMA STAN: Can I have five tickets to "Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire," please? BOX OFFICE CASHIER: No! KYLE: What do you mean "No"? CASHIER: "Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire" has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian. KYLE: But why? CASHIER: Because this movie has naughty language! Next please. KYLE: This, this can’t be happening STAN: We have to see this movie, dude. CARTMAN: Aw, screw it. It probably isn’t all that good anyway. KYLE: Cartman, what are you talking about? You love Terrance and Phillip. CARTMAN: Yeah, but the animation’s all crappy. STAN: Wait, I’ve got an idea! HOMELESS MAN: Uh, hi. I want six tickets to "Asses of Fire." CASHIER: This movie might not be appropriate for your little ones. HOMELESS MAN: Hey, he says this movie isn’t appropriate for you. STAN: Look, Mr. Homeless Guy. If you don’t wanna buy us tickets, and not get your ten bucks, and not go buy yourself a bottle of vodka; then be my guest. HOMELESS MAN: Six tickets, please. INSIDE THE CINEMA KYLE: Let me have some candy, Cartman. CARTMAN: Oh, let’s see. Uh…nope, I don’t have any Jewish candy. KYLE: Why do you really need all that chocolate, fat boy? IKE: Ba-ba-ba-ba. STAN: Shh, the movie’s starting! CHILDREN: [as movie begins] Hooray! PHILLIP: Say, Terrance. What did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynaecologist? TERRANCE: I don’t know, Phillip. What? PHILLIP: [farts in Terrance’s face] BOTH: [laughing hysterically] STAN: Where do they come up with this stuff? TERRANCE: You’re such a pigfucker, Phillip! CHILDREN: [gasping] KYLE: What did he say? PHILLIP: Terrance, why would you call me a "pigfucker"? TERRANCE: Well, let’s see. First of all, you fuck pigs. PHILLIP: Oh yeah! BOTH: [laughing hysterically] TERRANCE: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch! BOTH: [laughing hysterically] PHILLIP: Oh, you shitfaced cockmaster! CHILDREN: Wow! CARTMAN: "Shitfaced cockmaster." TERRANCE: Listen, you donkey-raping shiteater! KYLE: "Donkey-raping shiteater." IKE: "Dobee babing sheeteater." TERRANCE: You’d fuck your uncle. PHILLIP: You’d fuck your uncle. PHILLIP: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka You’re a cocksucking, asslicking uncle fucka You’re an uncle fucka, yes it’s true Nobody fucks uncles quite like you TERRANCE: Shut your fucking face uncle fucka You’re the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka You don’t eat or sleep or mow the lawn You just fuck your uncle all day long BOTH: [farting in tune to the music] BOTH: [laughing hysterically] AUDIENCE MEMBER: What’s going on, here? AUDIENCE MEMBER: What garbage! AUDIENCE MEMBER: Well, what do you expect? They’re Canadian. CHOIR: Fucka, uncle fucka Uncle fucka uncle fucka Fucka, uncle fucka BOTH: Shut your fucking face uncle fucka PHILLIP: Uncle fucka! BOTH: You’re a boner-biting bastard uncle fucka PHILLIP: You’re an uncle fucka I must say TERRANCE: Well, you fucked your uncle yesterday BOTH: Uncle fucka That’s: U-N-C-L-E, fuck you BOTH, WITH CHOIR: Uncle fucka PHILLIP: Suck my balls! OUTSIDE THE CINEMA KYLE: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet! CARTMAN: You bet your fucking ass it was! STAN: Fuck dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip! CASHIER: Hey, wait a minute. Where’s your guardian? KYLE: Huh? CASHIER: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn’t you? CARTMAN: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shiteater! KYLE: Yeah! KYLE: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka CHILDREN: You’re an anus-licking ball-sucking uncle fucka THE SKATING POND KID: Hey, where have you guys been all day? STAN: Oh, nowhere. We just went to go see the Terrance and Phillip movie! KIDS: [gasping] KID: You saw it? KID: How’d you get in? CARTMAN: Hey, stop crowding us you shitfaced cockmasters! KIDS: Wow! STAN: Yeah, you’re all a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers! KIDS: Oooh! KID: We have got to see this movie, dude. KYLE: Terrance and Phillip are Canadian, just like my brother. STAN: [singing to self] There’s the girl that I like CARTMAN: Hey, Stan. Tell about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle-shitting rectal-wart. STAN: Now, more than ever She gives me butterflies It makes my stomach queasy Every time she walks by CARTMAN: Asshole, I’m talkin’ to you! STAN: I know I can be cool if I try WENDY TESTABURGER: Hi, Stan! STAN: [barfs on Wendy] WENDY: Gross! GREGORY: Come, Wendy. Let us try to jump the hilly brush. STAN: Who are you, kid? GREGORY: My name is Gregory. I just transferred from Yardale, where I had a four-oh grade point average. WENDY: Wanna skate with us? GREGORY: We’ve been skating all morning, and laughing, and talking of memories past. STAN: We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie! GREGORY: Oh ho. Try and catch me, Wendy! [skates off] WENDY: Bye, Stan. CARTMAN: Yes, yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Who wants to touch me?…I said WHO WANTS TO FUCKIN' TOUCH ME? KID: [touching Cartman] Ooooh. KID: C’mon, gang. We gotta see the Terrance and Phillip movie, too! [the kids vacate] CARTMAN: [to Kenny] I hate you, Kenny. MR. GARRISON’S CLASSROOM ALL KIDS: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker You’re a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucker You’re a- [all stop singing abruptly as Mr. Garrison walks in] MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, let’s take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [to Mr. Hat] We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, let’s start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two?…C’mon children, don’t be shy. Just give it your best shot. Yes, Clyde? CLYDE: Twelve? MR. GARRISON: Okay. Now let’s try to get an answer from someone who’s not a complete retard. Anyone?…Come on, don’t be shy. KYLE: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison. CARTMAN: [mocking Kyle] KYLE: Shut-up, fatboy! CARTMAN: ‘ey! Don’t call me fat, you fuckin’ Jew! MR. GARRISON: Eric! Did you just say the F-word? CARTMAN: "Jew"? KYLE: No, he’s talkin’ about "fuck." You can’t say "fuck" in school, you fuckin’ fatass. MR. GARRISON: Kyle! CARTMAN: Why the fuck not? MR. GARRISON: Eric! STAN: Dude, you just said "fuck" again! MR. GARRISON: Stanley! KENNY: Fuck. MR. GARRISON: Kenny! CARTMAN: What’s the big deal? It doesn’t hurt anybody. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. MR. GARRISON: How would you like to go see the school counselor? CARTMAN: How would you like to suck my balls? KIDS: [gasping] MR. GARRISON: What did you say? CARTMAN: Oh, I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Actually, what I said was: [speaking through bullhorn] "How would you like, to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?" KYLE: Holy shit, dude. COUNSELOR’S OFFICE MR. MACKIE: Well, I must say I’m very disappointed in you boys, m’kay? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Now I’ve already called in your mothers, but- KYLE: [frightened] You called my mom? MR. MACKIE: That’s right. KYLE: [even more frightened] Oh no, dude! CARTMAN: Mr. Mackie, can I ask a question? MR. MACKIE: M’kay, what? CARTMAN: What’s the big fuckin’ deal, bitch? STAN: Yeah. MR. MACKIE: Oh! N-now I wanna know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m’kay? STAN: Nowhere. Uh, we heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before. KYLE: Yeah! MR. MACKIE: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said…uh, "Eat penguin shit, you ass-spelunker." CHILDREN: [laughing] CARTMAN: Hee hee hee, sweet! KYLE: [as mothers walk in] Uh-oh! MR. MACKIE: Thank you all for coming on such short notice. SHARON: This just isn’t like you, Stanley. SHEILA: What did my son say Mr. Mackie? Did he say the S-woid? MR. MACKIE: No, it was worse than that. SHEILA: The F-woid? MR. MACKIE: Well here’s a short list of the things they’ve been saying, m’kay? SHARON: Oh dear God! SHEILA: What the heck is a "rimjob"? LIAN: Oh, why that’s when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass! SHEILA: Young man, you will tell Mr. Mackie this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases. KYLE: I…I… STAN: We can’t tell you. We all took a sacred oath, and swore ourselves to secrecy. CARTMAN: It was the Terrance and Phillip movie. STAN: Dude! CARTMAN: What? Fuck you guys! I wanna get out of here. SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians? MR. MACKIE: Excuse me, what the heck is Terrance and Phillip? SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip are two very untalented actors from Canada. Nothing but foul language and toilet humor. MR. MACKIE: Well, I guess I’ll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see "Terrance and Phillip." CARTMAN: Everybody’s fuckin’ seen it. LIAN: Eric! CARTMAN: I’m sorry, I can’t help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind. THE LUNCHROOM STAN: [singing to self] There’s the girl that I like Over there laughing with that smart ne- CARTMAN: ‘ey! You’re holding up the god damn lunch line! CHEF: Hello there, children! CHILDREN: Hey Chef. CHEF: How’s it goin’? CHILDREN: Bad. CHEF: Why bad? KYLE: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can’t ever see the Terrance and Phillip movie again! CHEF: Oh, that’s too bad. CARTMAN: You shoulda seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind, heh heh. KYLE: Shut-up, Cartman! CARTMAN: No, dude, I’d be scared too. Your mom’s a fuckin’ bitch. KYLE: Don’t call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck! CARTMAN: Don’t call me fat, you buttfuckin’ son of a bitch! CHEF: Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that? CARTMAN: [walking away] It’s pretty fuckin’ sweet, huh? STAN: [lagging behind] Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy? CHEF: Oh, that’s easy. You just gotta find the clitoris. STAN: Huh? CHEF: Ooops! STAN: What does that mean, "…find the clitoris"? CHEF: Uh…uh, forget I said anything. Move along, children, you’re holdin’ up the line. STAN: You guys! Do you know where I can find the…"clitoris"? KYLE: The what? CARTMAN: What, is that like finding Jesus, or something? MR. MACKIE: [over the PA] Attention, students! We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts are no longer allowed in school. Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be sent home immediately. ALL KIDS, except GREGORY and WENDY: Hooray! [vacating] TELEVISION ANCHOR: The R-Rated Canadian film, "Asses of Fire" is number one at the box office. But is the film destroying American youth? Here with a special report, is a midget in a bikini. MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Thanks, Tom! It appears that the effects of the Canadian comedy are far-reaching, indeed. All over America, children seem to be influenced. Like at this spelling bee in Washington. PROCTOR: All right, this is for the silver medal: spell "forensics." CONTESTANT: Aw, fuck that! Why should I have to fucking spell "forensics"? OTHER CONTESTANTS: [laughing] Yeah! Woo! CONTESTANT: Here you go. [writing on chalkboard] S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S, "forensics." MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Tom, the devastating impact of the Canadian duo can also be seen with their new hit song, "Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle Fucka." PHILLIP: [hip-hop style] Shut your fucking face, uncle fuck-ah TERRANCE: [hip-hop style] You’re a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka PHILLIP: A-a-a a-a a Now I told you that, we won’t stop Now I told you that, we won’t stop MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Back to you, Tom. ANCHOR: Thanks, midget. Shocking report! The controversy began in the small mountain town of South Park, where the local PTA is trying to ban the movie. With us tonight is the head of the PTA, Sheila Broflovski… SHEILA: Hello, Tom. ANCHOR: …and the Canadian minister of movies. MINISTER: Thanks for havin’ me, buddy. ANCHOR: Minister, parents are concerned about your country’s entertainment. Your thoughts? MINISTER: Well, the film is R-Rated, and it's not intended for children to- SHEILA: Well, but of course children are gonna see it! MINISTER: Can I finish? The fact is that we Canadians are quite surprised by your outrage. SHEILA: You just don’t care! MINISTER: Can I finish? Hello? C-can I finish? The United States has graphic violence on television all the time. We can’t believe that a movie with some foul language would piss you off so much. SHEILA: Because it’s evil! MINISTER: Can I finish? Please, can I finish?…Okay, I’m finished. ANCHOR: But Mr. Minister, it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams. MINISTER: Now, now. The Canadian government has apologised for Bryan Adams on several occasions. SHEILA: You Canadians are all the same. With your beady little eyes, and flapping heads. You…you’re trash! MINISTER: I resent that! I find that racist, and- SHEILA: Our children are now addicted to your filth! MINISTER: You are a racist, ma’am! You are a racist! SHEILA: It is going to take us weeks to erase the damage this film has done to our children! REHABILITATION MR. MACKIE: Uh, kids, I wanna welcome you to rehabilitation, m’kay? Your mothers insisted that you be taken from your normal schoolwork, and placed into rehab to learn not to swear. GREGORY: I must say, I don’t think I belong with these rogues. I attended school at Yardale, and had a four-oh grade point average. CARTMAN: [to Gregory] You’re a fuckin’ faggot, dude. MR. MACKIE: M’kay, you see children? This is exactly what I’m talkin’ about. We have to get you off of foul language. KYLE: How are we gonna do that? MR. MACKIE: Well, listen here. MR. MACKIE: There are times when you get suckered in By drugs and alcohol And sex with women, m’kay? But it’s when you do these things too much That you’ve become an addict And must get back in touch You can do it It’s all up to you, m’kay? With a little plan You can change your life to-day You don’t have to spend your life addicted to smack Homeless on the streets Givin’ handjobs for crack Follow my plan And very soon you will say: "It’s easy, m’kay?" Step one: instead of "ass" say "buns" Like "Kiss my buns" or "You’re a buns-hole" Step two: instead of "shit" say "poo" As in "bull poo", "poo-head", and "this poo is cold" Step three: with "bitch" drop the "t" ‘cause "bich" is Latin for "generosity" Step four: don’t say "fuck" anymore ‘cause "fuck" is the worst word that you can say So just use the word "m’kay" ALL KIDS: We can do it It’s all up to us, m’kay? MR. MACKIE: M’kay ALL KIDS: With a little plan We can change our lives today MR. MACKIE: You can change to-day MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS: You don’t have to spend your lives Endin’ up in the trash Homeless on the streets Givin’ handjobs for cash Follow this plan and very soon you will say: "It’s easy, m’kay" MR. MACKIE: Step one: KID: Instead of "ass" say "buns" KID: Like "kiss my buns" KID: Or "you’re a buns-hole" MR. MACKIE: Step two: SOME KIDS: Instead of "shit" say "poo" KID: As in "bull poo" KID: "poo-head" KID: And "this poo is cold" MR. MACKIE: Step three: ALL KIDS: With "bitch" drop the "t" ‘cause "bich" is Latin for "generosity" MR. MACKIE: Step four: ALL KIDS: Don’t say "fuck" anymore MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS: ‘cause "fuck" is the worst word that you can say KIDS: "Fuck" is the worst word that you can say We shouldn’t say "fuck" No, we shouldn’t say "fuck" Fuck no! MR. MACKIE: You’re good, you can go MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS: You don’t have to spend you lives Endin’ up in the trash Homeless on the streets Givin’ handjobs for cash Follow this plan and very soon you will say: "It’s easy, m’kay?" ALL KIDS: It’s easy, m’kay? MR. MACKIE: It’s easy, m’kay? ALL KIDS: It’s easy, m’kay? MR. MACKIE: [adopting a falsetto] It’s easy, m’kay? ALL KIDS: It’s easy, m’kay? It’s easy, m’kay? It’s easy, m’kay? MR. MACKIE and ALL KIDS: [laughing] MR. MACKIE: M’kay…m’kay…m’kay. Now you’re cured! You can take the rest of the afternoon off for personal reflection, m’kay? Find your own constructive way to better yourself, m’kay? INSIDE THE CINEMA TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: [laughing hysterically] TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, I hope you’ve learned something through this whole experience. PHILLIP: I did, Terrance. I learned that you are a boner-biting dickfart buttface. BOTH: [laughing hysterically] TERRANCE: Want to see the Northern Lights? [lights fart on fire and burns to death] PHILLIP: You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart. TERRANCE: [laughing] I sure did, Phillip! BOTH: [laughing hysterically] BOTH and CHOIR: Uncle fucka! You got it KIDS: [cheering] CARTMAN: Yes! KID: This movie rules! OUTSIDE THE CINEMA KYLE: Man, that movie gets better every time I see it! CASHIER: Hey! CARTMAN: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can’t do that. KENNY: Yeah, you can! CARTMAN: No way. KENNY: Yes you can. I’ve done it before. CARTMAN: Okay, Kenny. I’ll bet you a hundred dollars you can’t light a fart on fire. KENNY: [undecipherable] [lights fart on fire, laughing hysterically, lit fart erupts into general conflagration, screaming hysterically] STAN: Holy shit, dude! CARTMAN: Ah! Oh my God! Hey! [begins beating Kenny with stick] Aw, shit! Aw, shit! Ahh! STAN: Somebody do something! CARTMAN: [distraught] This stick is on fire! STAN: [to Cartman, as dumptruck dumps salt on Kenny] Oh my God, you killed Kenny! KYLE: [to Cartman] You bastard! CARTMAN: Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh? HOSPITAL SURGEON: Load that IV with 70 cc’s of Sodium Pentathol! NURSE: We just called the parents. KYLE: Oh shit, dude! Now our moms are gonna find out we went to the Terrance and Phillip movie again! SURGEON: Vacuum! Try to untangle his trachea and esophagus! STAN: Dude! SURGEON: No! That doesn’t go there! CARTMAN: Aw, crap! KYLE: Gross, dude! CARTMAN: That’s sick! NURSE: Watch his liver. ASSISTANT: I’ll get it! SURGEON: We have precious little time left, people! We’re gonna lose him soon. NURSE: Doctor, his heart stopped! SURGEON: Let’s get it out of there! We need to zap this, quick! [opening microwave] Who’s making a potato? ASSISTANT: My bad, sir! I missed lunch. SURGEON: Dammit! I’m not gonna lose this kid…Close him up, we’ve done all we can. The rest, is up to God…Kenny, Kenny can you hear me? KENNY: Oh shit, dude. SURGEON: How are you feeling, son? KENNY: Where the fuck am I? SURGEON: Great! Son, I have some bad news. We…accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live. KENNY: What? [explodes] CARTMAN: Ah! Fuckin’ weak, dude! STAN: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! KYLE: You bastards! SURGEON: Dammit! It never…gets…any…easier! [walks away whistling] CARTMAN: I bet him he couldn’t do it. I bet him a hundred dollars. STAN: C’mon Cartman, it’s not your fault. CARTMAN: No, I know. I’m just fuckin’ stoked I don’t have to pay him. KYLE: Oh, that’s real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck! [parents enter room] SHEILA: So, boys. You saw that movie, again? CHILDREN: [resignedly] Yes. SHEILA: Well Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks! KYLE: Grounded? SHARON: And you, Stan. Come on. LIAN: And you’re grounded for three weeks, Eric. CARTMAN: ‘ey, why am I grounded more? That’s fuckin’ bullshit! SHEILA: What-what-what? What was that word young man? HEAVEN [Kenny is denied access, and is instead sent to Hell] PARENTS’ ASSEMBLY SHEILA: Parents, our children are out of control! This is what happens when toilet humour is allowed to run rampant! SHARON: That’s right. Kenny set himself on fire because he saw Terrance and Phillip do it in that dirty movie. SHEILA: We must stop dirty language from getting to our children’s ears. We must go fight the source of it. SHARON: But what is the source? SHEILA: Oh, that’s easy. SHEILA: Times have changed Our kids are getting worse They won’t obey their parents They just want to fart and curse SHARON: Should we blame the government? LIAN: Or blame society? TWO PARENTS: Or should we blame the images on TV? SHEILA: No! SHEILA: Blame Canada PARENTS: Blame Canada SHEILA: For their beady little eyes That plant their heads so full o’ lies SHEILA and PARENTS: Blame Canada Blame Canada SHEILA: We need to form a full assault PARENTS: [undecipherable] SHARON: Don’t blame me For my son Stan He saw the darned cartoon And now he’s off to join the Klan LIAN: And my boy Eric, once Had my picture on his shelf But now when I see him He tells me to fuck myself SHEILA: Blame Canada SHEILA and PARENTS: Blame Canada SHEILA: It seems that everything’s gone wrong Since Canada came along PARENTS: Blame Canada Blame Canada PARENT: They’re not even a real country anyway MRS. MCCORMICK: My son could’ve been A doctor or a lawyer, it’s true Instead he burned up Like a piggy on a barbecue PARENTS: Should we blame the matches? Should we blame the fire? Or the doctors who allowed him to expire? SHEILA: Heck no! SHEILA and PARENTS: Blame Canada Blame Canada SHEILA: With all their hockey hullabaloo LIAN: And that bitch Anne Murray, too SHEILA and PARENTS: Blame Canada Shame on Canada for- They’re smutting us up They’re tracking in trash The laughter and fun Must all be undone We must blame them and cause a fuss Before somebody thinks of blaming us THE MARSH RESIDENCE SHELLY MARSH: All right, you turds, listen up. Your moms are away at a meeting, and they put me in charge of you. But you’re still grounded, so you’re not allowed to have any fun. Any questions? STAN: Shelly, where’s the clitoris? SHELLY: [breaks chair over Stan’s head] STAN: Ow! SHELLY: Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut, while I go listen to my Britiney Spears records. [goes to her room] STAN: Okay, it’s clear [turning on the TV] CONAN O’BRIEN: Our next guests have the number one movie in the world right now. Please welcome Terrance and Phillip! O’BRIEN AUDIENCE: [mixed cheers and boos] CHILDREN: Hooray! TERRANCE: Hello, Conan. Hello, Brooke Shields. CONAN: Guys, some people claim that your Canadian humour is nothing but immature fart jokes. PHILLIP: That’s not true. Take this classic Canadian joke for instance. [clears throat] Excuse me, Terrance. TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip? PHILLIP: [farts on Terrance, blowing him into the drum set] BOTH: [laughing hysterically] CARTMAN: [laughing] That’s sweet! TERRANCE: Good one, Phillip! Cheers! PHILLIP: Cheers, fuckface. CONAN: Guys, you can’t say that on TV. PHILLIP: Now Terrance smells like my ass! BOTH: [laughing] BROOKE SHIELDS: I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon. TERRANCE: [after a pause, slaps Brooke Shields] CONAN: So guys, does it make you nervous to be in America? There are a lot of organisations here that want you arrested for destroying children. PHILLIP: Oh, they’d have to find us first. CONAN: You’re right. Now! TROOPS: [rush in and capture Terrance and Phillip] SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip, Mothers Against Canada is placing you under citizens’ arrest! KYLE: Mom? STAN: Dude, what the hell is going on? SHEILA: We have a court order for your arrest! TERRANCE: Phillip, we’ve been ambushed! SHEILA: [handing Conan his payoff] Here you go, Conan. PHILLIP: This little scrotum-sucker deceived us! You are a bad man! SHEILA: Don’t listen to them, Conan. PHILLIP: You loved our movie, Conan! We watched it together. Remember? You laughed. CONAN: What have I done? [jumps out window] STAN: Holy crap, did you see that? They arrested Terrance and Phillip! THE UNITED NATIONS CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: As the Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the actions taken by American in apprehending Terrance and Phillip. As you can see from this graph, the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip. Without them, we are doomed to recession. SECRETARY GENERAL: What say you, Mr. American Ambassador? AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: Fuck Canada! CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: ‘ey, Fuck you, buddy! AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: Terrance and Phillip will not be released. They are going to be put on trial for corrupting American’s youth. We don’t know what all the fuss is about. CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: The fuss is aboot taking our citizens. It’s aboot not censoring our art. It’s aboot… AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing] CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: …It’s aboot… AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing] CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: What’s so god damn funny? AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: [regaining composure] N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell us again what your argument is all about? CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignity… AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing] CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: …This is aboot respect. This is about realising that humans… AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing] CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: You guys are dicks! Release Terrance and Phillip, or we’ll give you something to cry aboot! ENTIRE UN: [laughing hysterically] CANADIAN AIRFORCE PILOT: Pilot to bombardier! Pilot to bombardier! We’re nearing the target! BOMBARDIER: Bombs ready, buddy! THE BALDWIN RESIDENCE WILLIAM BALDWIN: [answering phone] Baldwin residence…no, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin, call his extension…stupid! [to Alec Baldwin] Hey Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin? ALEC BALDWIN: No, what? WILLIAM: Nothing! ANOTHER BALDWIN: Yeah! ALL BALDWINS: [laughing] WILLIAM: [after all other Baldwins have been bombed] Ha! Ha! You missed me! [then gets bombed himself] MR. GARRISON’S CLASSROOM MR. GARRISON: Hi, children. Your mothers are all making me throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs. STAN: Mr. Garrison, how come our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip? ALL KIDS: Yeah! KID: That’s gay. MR. GARRISON: Oh, well, your moms are just upset. They’re probably all on their periods or something. WENDY: [whispering to Gregory] Not cool! GREGORY: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement. MR. GARRISON: Well I’m sorry Wendy, but I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die. Anyway children, let’s start off with some vocabulary… MR. MACKIE: [over PA] Attention, students, m'kay? MR. GARRISON: Oh, what now? MR. MACKIE: Come to the gymnasium immediately for a special announcement, m’kay? THE GYMNASIUM KYLE: What’s goin’ on, Chef? CHEF: Something big, children. STAN: Chef, I can’t find the clitoris. You have to help me. CHEF: Stan, the clitoris is a- MR. MACKIE: Please take your seats, everyone, they’re about to announce it, m’kay. TV ANCHOR: This is a state of emergency. We go now to the White House for an announcement from the President of The United States. BILL CLINTON: My fellow Americans, at five a.m. today, a day which will live in infamy, the Canadians have bombed the Baldwins. In response to this, the U.S. has declared war on Canada. ALL CHILDREN: [gasping] CHEF: Oh, no! STAN: War? WENDY: No! Gregory, no! GREGORY: Now, this is bad, Wendy. Hold on to me. MR. GARRISON: [frantically] All the Baldwins are dead? CLINTON: Now it is time for us to send a message to Canadians. In two days time, the war criminals Terrance and Phillip will be executed. STAN: They’re gonna kill them? CLINTON: And now, I’d like to bring up my newly-appointed secretary of offence, Ms. Sheila Broflovski. KYLE: Holy shit, dude! SHEILA: My fellow Americans, our neighbour to the north has abused us for the last time! CLINTON: I have a plan- SHEILA: Canadians want to… CLINTON: As commander in chief [drowned out by Sheila] SHEILA: …fight us, because we won’t tolerate their potty-mouths. Well! If it is war they want, then war they shall have! CARTMAN: Dude, this is fucking weak. STAN: How could things be any worse? HELL KENNY: Satan! No way! SATAN: Fallen one: I am Satan. I am your god now! KENNY: [screaming] Oh my god! [runs away] SATAN: [materialising in front of him] There is no escape! [torturing Kenny] Now, feel the delightful pain. SADDAM HUSSEIN: Hey, Satan! Did you hear the news? A war just broke out up on earth! SATAN: Meet Saddam Hussein, my new partner in evil. KENNY: Huh? SADDAM: Move over, Satan, you’re hogging all the fun. Yeah! Yeah! Man, this is getting’ me so hot! KENNY: Oh my god! SATAN: Saddam, would you let me do my job, please? SADDAM: Hang on! Rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy. SATAN: Saddam, could I talk to you over here for a second?…I don’t see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that. SADDAM: Hey, relax, guy! SATAN: Well, sometimes, I think you don’t have any respect for me. SADDAM: Aw, come here, guy. Who’s my creampuff? SATAN: I am. SADDAM: That’s right, buddy. KENNY: [watching them] Huh? THE SCHOOLYARD STAN: Dude, I don’t wanna be at war. KYLE: You don’t think they’re really gonna kill Terrance and Phillip, do you? CARTMAN: Kyle, you need to stop being such a chickenshit, and stand up to your mother. You need to smack her in the face, and say, "That’s enough of your shit, you fuckin’ bitch!" KYLE: Don’t call my mom a bitch, Cartman! STAN: You guys, stop it! This isn’t helping. We’ve gotta think, here. Now, let’s see. What would Brian Boitano do? CARTMAN: Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do? KYLE: [noticing a gathered crowd] Hey! What’s going on over there? GREGORY: The American government thinks it has the right to police the world. Your government is going to kill two Canadian citizens. An action condemned by the UN (home of the free indeed). KID: Let’s play tetherball! KIDS: Yeah! WENDY: This is about freedom of speech! About censorship! Can’t you guys be more political, like Gregory? STAN: [singing to self] There’s the girl that I like Now it appears that she likes another guy It must be because he’s political and stuff I bet I could be political too WENDY: [to Stan] What do you think, Stan? STAN: [barfs all over Wendy] Dammit! CARTMAN: You guys, this is all Kyle’s mom’s fault. KYLE: Shut-up, Cartman! CARTMAN: Kyle’s mom is the one that started that damn club. And all because she’s a big, fat, stupid bitch! KYLE: Don’t say it, Cartman! CARTMAN: [breaking into song] Well… KYLE: Don’t do it, Cartman! CARTMAN: [breaking into song] Well… KYLE: I’m warning you! CARTMAN: Okay, okay. KYLE: I’m getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a b… CARTMAN: [erupting into song] Well, Kyle’s mom’s a bitch She’s a big fat bitch She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She’s a stupid bitch If there ever was a bitch She’s a bitch to all the boys and girls KYLE: Shut your fuckin’ mouth, Cartman! CARTMAN: On Mondays she’s a bitch On Tuesdays she’s a bitch On Wednesdays and Saturdays she’s a bitch Then on Sunday (just to be different) She’s a stupid, King-Kong, meya meya beeyatch CARTMAN: C’mon! You all know the words! CARTMAN and KIDS: Have you ever met my friend Kyle’s mom? She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She’s a mean old bitch It has to be heard She’s a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch KIDS: Whoa! CARTMAN and KIDS: She’s a stupid bitch Kyle’s mom’s a bitch And she’s just a dirty bitch KIDS: Hey! CARTMAN: Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this. [song is sung in several different languages] CARTMAN: Have you ever met my friend Kyle’s mom? She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She’s a mean old bitch It has to be heard She’s a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch She’s a stupid bitch STAN: [seeing Kyle’s mom standing behind Cartman] Uh, Cartman… CARTMAN: Kyle’s mom’s a bitch And she’s just a dirty bitch I really mean it Kyle’s mom She’s a big fat ugly bitch Big old fat fuckin’ bitch, Kyle’s mom, yeah Cha! CARTMAN: [noticing aghast looks on children’s faces] What? [turning around] Oh, fuck! LABORATORY SHEILA: Okay, everyone, settle down. As we continue to send troops into Canada, M.A.C. is also fight the war against potty-mouths here at home. Here to present the V-chip is Dr. Vosknocker. DR. VOSKNOCKER: [clears throat] The machinery of the V-chip is very simple. It is placed under the child’s skin, where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered. RANDY MARSH: Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows that the kid is swearing? DR. VOSKNOCKER: It’s just like a lie detector. You see, certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-chip. CARTMAN: [patient B-5] Ow, my head hurts. DR. VOSKNOCKER: [to Cartman] Don’t worry about that. Now, I want you to say, "Doggie." CARTMAN: Doggie. DR. VOSKNOCKER: [to parents] Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say, "Montana." CARTMAN: Montana. DR. VOSKNOCKER: Good! Now, "Pillow." CARTMAN: Pillow. DR. VOSKNOCKER: All right! Now, I want you to say, "Horse-fucker." CARTMAN: [hesitating] LIAN: Go ahead, Eric. It’s all right. CARTMAN: Horse-fucker. [gets shocked] Ow! AUDIENCE: [gasping] CARTMAN: That hurt, god dammit! [gets shocked] Ow! Fuck! [gets shocked] Hey! DR. VOSKNOCKER: Now I’d like you to say, "Big floppy donkey dick." CARTMAN: No! DR. VOSKNOCKER: Success! The child doesn’t want to swear! AUDIENCE: [cheering madly] CARTMAN: This isn’t fair, you sons of bitches! [gets shocked] Ow! SHEILA: We will start putting V-chips in all our children next week. AUDIENCE: [cheering wildly] NEWSREEL ANCHOR: Snacky S’mores presents, "The March of War." Let’s hear it for our boys in blue! President Clinton has called them to action, to fight the evil Canadian scourge. A full-scale attack has been launched on Toronto, after the Canadians’ last bombing, which took a horrible toll on the Arquette family. For security measures, our great American government is rounding up all citizens that have any Canadian blood, and putting them into camps. All Canadian-American citizens are to report to one of these Death Camps right away. Did I say, "Death Camps?" I meant, "Happy Camps," where you will eat the finest meals, have access to the fabulous doctors, and be able to exercise regularly. Meanwhile, the war criminals, Terrance and Phillip, are prepped for their execution. Their execution will take place during a fabulous USO show, with special guest celebrities, including Big Gay Al, and Winona Ryder. Of course, the only way to see the USO show is to sign up for the army! So join the army and kill some Canadian scum, as we continue…"The march of War." (Eat Snacky S’mores!) BONFIRE SHEILA: We must rid ourselves of anything Canadian! KYLE: [to kid] Dude, don’t you like Terrance and Phillip anymore? KID: ‘course not! My mommy says I hate Canadians now, ‘cause they made me have a dirty mouth. SHEILA: Burn it all! CARTMAN: [morosely] Hey, dudes. STAN: What’s the matter, Cartman? CARTMAN: It’s this V-chip. I hate it. I can’t say any dirty words. KYLE: Really? So you can’t say, "fuck?" CARTMAN: No. KYLE: And you can’t say, "Shit?" CARTMAN: Nope. KYLE: So you can’t say, "I’m Eric Cartman, the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world?" CARTMAN: Fuck you! [gets shocked] Ah! KYLE: [laughing] Sweet! STAN: C’mon, you guys. This has gone far enough. It’s time we talked to our moms. KYLE: We’re supposed to be grounded in our rooms. STAN: C’mon, Kyle. It’s time for us to get political. SHEILA: Canada will no longer corrupt our children! KYLE: Mom? Can I talk to you for a second? SHEILA: Kyle, what are you doing here? You are grounded! Now get back to the house, and stay there! SHARON: You too, Stanley! STAN: Mom, we think you’re going too far. You can’t kill Terrance and Phillip. SHEILA: [ignoring children] We must fight for our children’s futures! STAN: You started a war. You have to stop it. SHEILA: To make them safe again! STAN: Hello? SHEILA: Our children are precious? STAN: Hello? SHEILA: We must make a stand now! Stop at nothing! KYLE: I told you my mom wouldn’t listen. STAN: Well then we’re just gonna have to save Terrance and Phillip ourselves! KYLE and CARTMAN: What? STAN: Think about it, you guys. What would Brian Boitano do? He’d figure out a way to rescue Terrance and Phillip before they’re executed! KYLE: We can’t do anything: our moms’ organisation is too strong. STAN: Well then we’ll round up all the grounded kids in town, and start our own organisation. And organisation to help save Terrance and Phillip. CARTMAN: Hey, yeah! Our own secret club. KYLE: I guess that could work. STAN: We have to try! STAN: What would Brian Boitano do, if he was here right now? He’d make a plan and he’d follow through That’s what Brian Boitano’d do KYLE: When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics Skating for the gold He did two salkcows and a triple lutz While wearing a blindfold CARTMAN: When Brian Boitano was in the Alps Fighting grizzly bears He used his magical fire breath And saved the maidens fair CHILDREN: So, what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? I’m sure he’d kick an ass or two That’s what Brian Boitano’d do CARTMAN: I want this V-chip out of me It has stunted my vocabulary KYLE: And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone STAN: For Wendy I’ll be an activist too ‘cause that’s what Brian Boitano would do CHILDREN: That’s what Brian Boitano’d do He’d call all the kids in town And tell them to unite for truth That’s what Brian Boitano’d do BRIAN DENNEHY: Someone say my name? STAN: Who are you? BRIAN DENNEHY: I’m Brian Dennehy. KYLE: What? No, not fuckin’ Brian Dennehy! STAN: Hey, get the fuck out of here! BRIAN DENNEHY: Oh. Bye. CHILDREN: When Brian Boitano traveled in time to the year 3010 He fought the evil robot king And saved the human race again CARTMAN: And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids He beat up Kubila Kahn CHILDREN: ‘cause Brian Boitano doesn’t take shit from anybody So let’s call all the kids together And unite to stop our moms And we’ll save Terrance and Phillip too ‘cause that’s what Brian Boitano’d do And we’ll save Terrance and Phillip too ‘cause that’s what Brian Boitano’d do ‘cause that’s what Brian Boitano’d do HELL SADDAM: Hey, relax, guy! SATAN: [referring to TV] Oh, there’s nothing on. SADDAM: You just get cranky when you talk, that’s all. SATAN: I’m not cranky! ANCHOR: What started as a spat between The United States and Canada is quickly turning into World War III. SADDAM: World War III? SATAN: Shh. ANCHOR: Terrance and Phillip are going to be put to death for crimes against humanity. The time of execution has- SATAN: [clicking off TV] It has come to be! The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh! The time of prophesy is upon us! SADDAM: Ah, I love when you get all biblical, Satan! You know exactly how to turn my crank. SATAN: No, I’m being serious. It is the seventh sign. SADDAM: What? SATAN: Behold. The first signs of my reign have all come true: the fall of an empire, the coming of a comet. And now, when the blood of these Canadians touches American soil, it will be our time to rise. SADDAM: Yeah! Yeah! Man, I’m getting’ so hot! Let’s fuck! SATAN: Do you always think about sex? I’m talkin’ about very important stuff, here. SADDAM: Ah, I’m just excited about taking over the world! Come on! SATAN: Is sex the only thing that matters to you? SADDAM: I love you. SATAN: I want to believe that. SADDAM: So whaddya say we shut off that light and get close, huh?…Yeah, you like that, don’t you, bitch? THE BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE KYLE: Okay. We can use my dad’s computer to call all the kids together. STAN: Wait. Before we put a message out, do a search on the word, "Clitoris." KYLE: Oh, okay…"Found: eight million pages with the word, ‘Clitoris.’" STAN: Wow! KYLE: I’ll just try the first one. "You must be eighteen to enter this website." Okay. "Welcome to ‘German Sick Fetish Video.’ If you are under eighteen, do not--" well, okay… GERMAN: Do my sheiza game! KYLE: Dude! It’s a lady getting pooed on! STAN: Whoa! Is it Cartman’s mom? CARTMAN: Oh, very funny. KYLE: Hey! It is Cartman’s mom! GERMAN: Essen mein sheiza. LIAN: All-righty, then! CARTMAN: Aw, son of a bitch! [gets shocked] Ow! IKE: Ba-ba-ba-ba KYLE: Get outta here, Ike. You’re too young for this stuff. IKE: Bull shit. STAN: What’s he doing, now? GERMAN: Essen mein sheiza. LIAN: Okey-dokey! CHILDREN: [watching video] Oh! [gagging] GERMAN: [undecipherable] STAN: Click it off, dude! Click it off! Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people? CARTMAN: All right, all right. Let’s just do what we came here to do, and put a message out to kids. KYLE: Okay. Let’s see, I’ve gotta put out an all-access e-mail…god damn your mom sucks, Cartman. CARTMAN: Just get to the message board! KYLE: I’m trying. I can’t find a Canadian server. I’ve got to break in to the mainframe…Dammit! They’ve got an access code. I’ll try to re-route the encryptions…Okay, here we go. [typing] "Want to help Terrance and Phillip? Sneak out after you get tucked into bed tonight, and meet at Carl’s Warehouse." CARTMAN: Tell ‘em we’ll have punch and pie. KYLE: We’re not gonna have punch and pie! CARTMAN: More people will come if they think we have punch and pie! KYLE: "…punch and pie. This is top secret. The password is…" STAN: "La Resistance." CARTMAN’S ROOM RADIO ANNOUNCER: And so, the draft will begin tomorrow, as more and more troops are needed to invade the Canadian border. The Canadian government pleas for a peaceful resolution, but naturally we’re not listening. LIAN: Good night, hon. CARTMAN: Mom, when is the war gonna be over. LIAN: I don’t know, hon. Soon, we hope. You want it to end quickly, huh? [leaving the room] CARTMAN: Mom? LIAN: Yes, hon? CARTMAN: If you were in a German sheiza video, y-you’d tell me, right? LIAN: Sure, hon. Good night! [shuts door] CARTMAN: [seeing Kenny’s ghost] Ah! Supposed to be dark! KENNY’S GHOST: Here’s what you have to do. CARTMAN: Kenny! Is that you? KENNY’S GHOST: Saddam Hussein and Satan are gonna come to earth and take over the world! CARTMAN: Satan? Satan is coming here? KENNY’S GHOST: He’s coming here with Saddam Hussein! CARTMAN: Saddam Hussein? That doesn’t make sense, Kenny! KENNY: [undecipherable] CARTMAN: [screaming] LIAN: Eric, what is it? CARTMAN: I saw him! I saw Kenny! LIAN: Oh, you poor dear! You’ve been through so much. CARTMAN: I bet him he couldn’t light a fart on fire, and now he’s all pissed off. [gets shocked] ‘ey! I can’t say "Pissed off?" [gets shocked] Yaa! HELL SATAN: The execution of Terrance and Phillip is imminent. Soon, Saddam and I will rule the world. [laughing maniacally] SADDAM: Hey, Satan. I got some new luggage for our trip up to earth. Let’s fuck to celebrate! SATAN: What’s it like up on earth, Saddam? Tell me about it again. SADDAM: Aw, let’s not talk. Let’s get busy! SATAN: Do you remember when we first got here? We used to talk all night long, until the sun came up. We would just lie in bed and…talk. SADDAM: Well, yeah, ‘cause I was still waitin’ to get you in bed, dummy! SATAN: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I’m somebody else? SADDAM: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who’m I gonna pretend you are, Liza Minelli? SATAN: [walking away] SADDAM: Aw, don’t get all pissy. SATAN: [sighing] SATAN: Sometimes I think When I look up real high That there’s such a big world up there I’d like to give it a try But then, I sink ‘cause it’s here I’m s’posed to stay But I get so lonely down here Tell me: why’s it have to be that way? Up there, there’s so much room Where babies burp and flowers bloom Everyone dreams, I can dream too Up there, up where The skies are ocean-blue I could be safe and Live without a care Up there CHOIR: Oh, oh, oh SATAN: They say I don’t belong CHOIR: Hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh SATAN: I must stay below, alone CHOIR: Hoo-ooh, hoo-ooh SATAN: Because of my beliefs I’m supposed to stay where evil is sewn CHOIR: Ooh-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh SATAN: But what is evil, anyway? CHOIR: Hah-aah-aah-aah-aah SATAN: Is there reason to the rhyme? CHOIR: Ooh-ooh, ooh ooh ooh SATAN: Without evil there’d be no good SATAN and CHOIR: So it must be good to be evil sometimes Up there SATAN: There’s so much room CHOIR: Aah-aaaah SATAN: Where babies burp and flowers bloom CHOIR: Ooh-ooooh SATAN: Every dreams, I can dream too SATAN and CHOIR: Up there SATAN: Up where the skies are ocean blue CHOIR: Ooh-hoo SATAN: I could be safe and Live without a care CHOIR: Without a care! SATAN: Live without a care If only I could live up… [screaming] there! SATAN and CHOIR: I wanna live I wanna live up Ooh-ooh-hoo I want to live up there! CARL’S WAREHOUSE KYLE: [as Cartman rushes in] You’re late, Cartman! CARTMAN: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me. KYLE: Your "behind"? CARTMAN: I have to say "behind" ‘cause I get shocked if I say, "Ass." [gets shocked] Ow! KYLE: Did you bring the punch and pie? CARTMAN: No! You guys! Something happened! I don’t think Kenny’s dead. KYLE: What? CARTMAN: I saw him in my room. KYLE: I know, Cartman, I know. I see Kenny every day. CARTMAN: You do? KYLE: Sure, dude. On the face of every child. On the smile of every baby. KYLE and STAN: [laughing] CARTMAN: Hey! I’m telling you, this was Kenny. He said that if Terrance and Phillip die, Saddam Hussein and Satan are gonna come up and rule the world. KYLE: Saddam Hussein? [as somebody knocks on the door] Who is it? GREGORY: I’m here for La Resistance. KYLE: What’s the password? GREGORY: Uh, I don’t know. KYLE: Guess. GREGORY: Uh, "Bacon." KYLE: Okay. GREGORY: Viva La Resistance! STAN: Oh, no, it’s that kid! GREGORY: [to Wendy] This is the place. STAN: Wendy? WENDY: Stan? You started La Resistance? STAN: [barfs on Wendy] GREGORY: Well, apparently you’re more political than we thought. Let us get this meeting underway. When are the others coming? KYLE: Wow! A lot of people showed up. STAN: ‘kay, uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed…and we think that sucks ass! [calling on kid] Yes? KID: Uh, we were to understand there’d be pie and punch? STAN: There isn’t any. KID: Oh. [leaves with one other kid] STAN: Uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed, so we think we should…prank call a bunch of policemen! A-and, and have pizzas sent to them that they didn’t order! Viva La Resistance! GREGORY: [disgusted] Oh, huh. Uh, may I? STAN: What? GREGORY: [addressing map] Terrance and Phillip are currently being held at the Canadian internment camp two kilometres outside of town. They’re to be executed tomorrow, during a star-studded USO show for the troops. STAN: Tomorrow? GREGORY: Once the show begins, we should have about one hour to get Terrance and Phillip out of their cell, and into this clearing. There we will all rendezvous, and together, take Terrance and Phillip safely back to Canada. KYLE: Wow, dude! Wendy’s new guy is smart. GREGORY: You must meet me at the rendezvous point at precisely ten p.m. Sneaking into the show and breaking out Terrance and Phillip will be the most dangerous part, so I’ll go myself. STAN: No! We’re going. We started La Resistance, we’ll get Terrance and Phillip and meet you at the rendez-vouse point. GREGORY: This…will be very dangerous. Are you quite sure? CARTMAN: Fuck that! [gets shocked] Ah! STAN: Cartman, do you want that V-chip in you forever? We’re going. Now, let’s run through the plan. MILITARY BARRACKS SOLDIER: Now, uh, when you shoot somebody, you actually go for the somewhat vital… JIMBO MARSH: Oh, boy! Military action, Ned. Let’s kill us some god damn Australians! NED: I think we’re fighting Canadians. JIMBO: Canadians, Australians. What’s the difference? MR. GARRISON: Yeah! This uniform makes me feel like a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat. MR. HAT: [via Mr. Garrison] It sure does, Mr. Garrison! MR. GARRISON: Oh, boy. I can’t wait for our first shore leave, so I can get me some fuckin’ poontang. GENERAL: Tomorrow night is the USO show, for all you troops. There will be celebrities, followed by the execution of Terrance and Phillip. SOLDIERS: [cheering madly] GENERAL: After the show, we will finally be sending ground troops into Canada. So let’s strategise! Map! [a holographic map appears] Our sources have told us that the Canadians are preparing for our invasion, so we must use caution. Each battalion has a specific code-name and mission. Battalion Five, raise your hands. [all blacks raise their hands] You will be the all-important first attack wave, which we will call, "Operation: Human Shield." CHEF: Hey, wait a minute! GENERAL: Now, keep in mind, "Operation: Human Shield" will suffer heavy losses. Battalion Fourteen? [all whites raise their hands] Right. You are, "Operation: Get-Behind-The-Darkies." You will follow Battalion Five, here. And try not to get killed, for god’s sake! Are there any questions, men? [recognising Chef] Yes, soldier? CHEF: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation? GENERAL: I don’t listen to hip-hop. After that, we will march into the heart of Canada, and we will [Saddam’s visage begins to take over the hologram] Oh, what’s wrong with this thing? It’s fuckin’ Windows ’98! Get Bill Gates in here… [to Bill Gates] You told us Windows ’98 would be faster, and more efficient, with better access to the Internet. BILL GATES: It is faster! Over five million- GENERAL: [shoots Bill Gates dead] All right, men! Get lots of rest, and prepare [undecipherable] SOLDIERS: [cheering madly] CARL’S WAREHOUSE GREGORY: After you have Terrance and Phillip, quietly make your way to this ridge. We will be waiting for you there. We cannot wait for long. So if you’re not there at ten, we will have to leave. STAN: Gotcha! GREGORY: You are indeed brave. But you will need help from someone who’s done this sort of thing before. Here’s the address of, "The Mole." STAN: "The Mole?" GREGORY: He is an expert in covert operations. A mercenary-for-hire. Your first task will be obtaining him. Get lots of sleep. Tomorrow, we will all be risking our lives…for freedom. GREGORY: God has smiled upon you this day The fate of a nation in your hands And blessed be the children Who fight with all our bravery ‘til only the righteous stand You see the distant flames They bellow in the night You fight in all our names For what we know is right And when you all get shot And cannot carry on Though you die La Resistance lives on GREGORY and KIDS: You may get stabbed in the head With a dagger or a sword You might be burned to death Or skinned alive, or worse But when they torture you You will have nothing to run for Though you die La Resistance lives on MEDLEY SHEILA: Blame Canada Blame Canada Because the country’s gone awry Tomorrow night these freaks will fry SOLDIERS: Tomorrow night Our lives will change Tomorrow night We’ll be entertained An execution What a sight Tomorrow night SATAN: Up there, there’s so much room Where babies burp and flowers bloom Tomorrow night up there is doom And so I will be going soon TERRANCE and PHILLIP: Shut your fuckin’ face, uncle fucka You’re a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka TERRANCE: Looks like we may be out of luck PHILLIP: Tomorrow night we’re pretty fucked STAN: Why did our mothers start this war? What the fuck are they fighting for? Will they disown me ‘cause I’m learned to cuss? SATAN: I want to be up there SHEILA: We’re gonna send our boys to deal with Celine Dion! GREGORY: They may cut your dick in half SOLDIERS: Tomorrow night GREGORY: And serve it to a pig SOLDIERS: Our lives will change GREGORY: And though it hurts you’ll laugh SOLDIERS: Tomorrow night GREGORY: And dance a dickless jig SOLDIERS: We’ll be entertained GREGORY: That’s the way it goes And we’ll be shat upon Though we die SATAN: I want to be GREGORY: La Resistance [screaming] Lives on! SHEILA: Blame Canada Blame Canada Blame Canada HELL SADDAM: I don’t know if I can sleep (if you know what I mean). SATAN: [reading Saddam is From Mars, Satan is From Venus] This book is really interesting. It talks about how people communicate differently. Like, I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and you communicate- SADDAM: Hey, that is interesting…Let’s fuck! SATAN: Saddam, I’m trying to have a nice conversation with you. SADDAM: [revealing a very realistic-looking dildo] Hey Satan… SATAN: Oh! Now, that is just not appropriate! SADDAM: Aw, c’mon, I’m just fuckin’ with you. [tossing it aside] It’s not real. SATAN: Oh, well, that’s still not appropriate. SADDAM: [revealing second dildo] ‘ey, Satan… SATAN: Oh! [gets up to leave] SADDAM: Hey, it’s not real, either. C’mon, guy! SATAN: [sobbing] KENNY: [noticing Satan’s distress] What’s wrong? SATAN: [attempting to regain composure] Oh! Uh, uh…ha ha ha ha! Soon, the world will belong to me! KENNY: No, what’s wrong, dude? SATAN: It’s Saddam. He doesn’t nurture my emotions. He just wants sex, and can’t learn to communicate. KENNY: Why don’t you just fuckin’ leave him? SATAN: You’re right. I should leave him. I’m just gonna tell him, "Saddam, I’m going to earth to rule alone." I’m strong, and I don’t need him. KENNY: Good for you! BARRACKS SOLDIER: Today’s the day for the USO show SOLDIERS: We’re so happy we get to go SOLDIER: I don’t know, but I’ve been told SOLDIERS: [undecipherable] …is mighty bold BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE STAN: Ike, you have to stay in the attic. ‘cause if they find you, they’ll put you in a Canadian concentration camp. Don’t worry, Ike, we’re gonna put an end to this. And then I’ll make mom come home, and we’ll be a family again. [leaves] IKE: I like baby’s home. [starts jamming on harmonica] "THE MOLE"’S HOUSE THE MOLE’S MOTHER: ‘allo? STAN: Hi. We need to speak with "The Mole." MOTHER: I’m sorry. "The Mole" is grounded. He can’t come out and play. KYLE: What? He’s a kid? MOTHER: He said very naughty things about god. STAN: Oh, well, can we just talk to him for five seconds, please? MOTHER: Well, all right…Christoffe! STAN: Hi, uh…we’re gonna go rescue Terrance and Phillip from the USO show, and we were just- "THE MOLE": Shh! Who are you? Who sent you? STAN: That Gregory kid! He said you could sneak us in. "THE MOLE": Are you telling me, that you intend, to break into the USO show, filled with thousands of soldiers, and break out Terrance and Phillippe? CARTMAN: I thought it was a pretty stupid idea, too. STAN: We’re La Resistance. We wanna save Terrance and Phillip, and stop the war and stuff. "THE MOLE": I can’t help you. I’m grounded in my room for the next three days. KYLE: So are we. Our parents think we’re home right now. Why are you grounded? "THE MOLE": Why? Because god hates me, that’s why. He has made my life miserable. So I called him a cocksucking asshole. Then I get grounded. KYLE: So will you help us? "THE MOLE": Very well. Meet me in the back yard in five minutes. Viva La Resistance! We’ll show god that we’re not gonna fucking take any more- MOTHER: What? Christoffe, get in here! "THE MOLE": Coming, mother! HELL SATAN: [to self] I must be strong. I must be strong. [entering room] Saddam, I need to talk to you. SADDAM: Ah! You better get packin’, bitch. We have to go! We’re running out of time! SATAN: [sighs] Saddam, sometimes you can love a person very much, but still know that they aren’t right for you. SADDAM: What the fuck are you talking about? SATAN: You treat me like shit, Saddam. I’m leaving you. I’m going up to earth to rule alone. SADDAM: No! No, you can’t do that! SATAN: I’m sorry. But I have to be strong. SADDAM: Satan, please. Gimme another chance. I have to go to earth. SATAN: You don’t even have any respect for me. SADDAM: Ah, sure I do, guy! Hey, just hear me out. SADDAM: Some people say that I’m a bad guy They may be right They may be right But it’s not as if I don’t try I just fuck up Try as I might But I can change I can change I can learn to keep my promises I swear it I’ll open up my heart and I will share it Any minute now I will be born again ‘cause I can change I can change I know I’ve been a dirty little bastard I like to kill I like to rape I’ve gone insane as you can see But I can change It’s not my fault that I’m so evil It’s society Society You see my parents were sometimes abusive And it made A prick of me But I can change I can change SATAN: What if you remain a sandy little butthole? SADDAM: ‘ey, Satan Don’t be such a twit Mother Theresa won’t have shit On me Just watch Just watch me change Here I go: I’m changing! Ah! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Ah! SADDAM: You see? I’ve really matured. SATAN: Oh, all right. SADDAM: All right! SATAN: Come on, we have to hurry. SADDAM: Now you’ve got it. THE USO SHOW ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen of the US Army, welcome to the USO show! SOLDIERS: [cheering] ANNOUNCER: Get ready for loads of entertainment and fabulous celebrities, followed immediately by the nasty execution of Terrance and Phillip. "THE MOLE": This is the USO show, where those military bitches intend to kill Terrance and Phillippe. KYLE: Oh, my god! "THE MOLE": God? He is the biggest bitch of them all! STAN: We have to hurry. We rendez-vouse with the other kids at ten. "THE MOLE": You realise that by doing this we could be grounded for two, perhaps even three weeks? STAN: We’re willing to take that risk. "THE MOLE": Then, let’s go! ANNOUNCER: And now, here are your hosts for the evening: Sheila Broflovski, and Big Gay Al. SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] SHEILA: Al, tonight is a very special night. Do you know why? BIG GAY AL: Ooh-hoo, they’re having a sale at Merv’s? SOLDIERS: [laughing] SHEILA: No. Because, we’re going to abolish Canadian smut. SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] BIG GAY AL: That’s right, Sheila! Bring out the condemned! SOLDIERS: [booing mercilessly] SHEILA: Today is a great day for democracy! SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip. This is worse than that night I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture! PHILLIP: I know, Terrance, I know. BIG GAY AL: Well, Sheila. While you’re getting set up over there, let’s bring out our first act: Yippee the back-flipping dog! YIPPEE: [yipping, back-flipping] SOLDIERS: [polite applause] "THE MOLE": [going under barbed wire fence] Be careful not to touch this wire. CARTMAN: [getting caught] Stop! Mother fucker! [gets shocked] Ah! Fuck! [gets shocked] Fuck! Fuck! "THE MOLE": Sheet! The USO show has started. We are running out of time! KYLE: Do you see Terrance and Phillip? "THE MOLE": Yes, but they are heavily guarded. We have to dig from here, so as not to be seen. Come on, bitches! STAN: Hey, "Mole." Do you know where the clitoris is? "THE MOLE": Ze what? STAN: The clitoris. I have to find the clitoris so I can get this Wendy girl to like me aga- "THE MOLE": Hey! You need to stop thinking with your dick! You have to be on your toes. Because I am not going to be grounded again! Not for you! Not for anybody! SHEILA: Men, when you’re out there, in the battlefield, and you’re looking into the beady eyes of a Canadian as he charges you with his hockey stick (or whatever he has), and people are dying all around you, just remember what the MPAA says: "Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don’t say any naughty words." That is what this war is all about! SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] KYLE: What? "THE MOLE": Sheet! … Move move! … Okay, we will split up here. Let’s synchronise watches. STAN: We don’t have watches. "THE MOLE": You don’t have watches? STAN: Dude, you didn’t say anything about watches. "THE MOLE": What do you think this is, kid? TV kiddee hour where we all sit around and lick Barney the dinosaur’s fucking pussy? Huh? This is real life, the consequences you take to the grave! STAN: Dude, we don’t have watches! "THE MOLE": Sheet! Did you bring ze mirror? STAN: Got it. "THE MOLE": And the rope? STAN: Check. "THE MOLE": And the buttfor? KYLE: What’s a butt for? "THE MOLE": For pooping, silly. [dramatic cigarette smoke exhalation] Now listen carefully. I will dig under the stage, and with that bedrock, I will need more time. Stan and Kyle, get near the stage and stall the show, any way you can. Do whatever it takes to keep that show going, until I get ze prisoners. STAN: Okay. "THE MOLE": Cart Man, Over zere is the electrical box. You must sneak over there and shut it off before I return with Terrance and Phillippe, or ze alarms will sound, and I will be attacked by guard dogs. Got it? CARTMAN: Okay. "THE MOLE": You must shut off the alarms! I fucking hate guard dogs! CARTMAN: I heard you the first time, you British piece of shit! [gets shocked] Ah! "THE MOLE": If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe. STAN: What’s a dying giraffe sound like? "THE MOLE": [makes sound like dying giraffe] STAN: ‘kay. "THE MOLE": Let’s go! STAN: Be careful, dude! "THE MOLE": Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in ze womb? [begins tunneling] KYLE: Damn, dude, that kid is fucked up. BIG GAY AL: How are those chairs coming, Sheila? SHEILA: Al, we’re minutes away! SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] BIG GAY AL: Super! In the meantime, here’s pint-sized pixie, and darling of the indie movie scene, Winona Ryder! WINONA RYDER: Hi, guys! I’m super-psyched to be here today. What you’re doing for our country is so cool! I mean, war, man. Wow. War. Y’know? Wow. Okay! And now for your enjoyment, here’s my famous ping pong ball trick! BIG GAY AL: [watching her perform] Oh, my! CARTMAN: [mocking "The Mole"] "Shut off ze power, Cartman. Zis is very important, Cartman." SOLDIER: Dude, did you hear what Winona Ryder’s doing? SOLDIER: Can’t miss this! WINONA RYDER: There, I didn’t miss one! That’s my ping pong ball trick! SOLDIERS: [very light applause] BIG GAY AL: Well, that’s all the acts we have for you tonight, so let’s just get on with the execution! SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] STAN: Oh, no! We have to stall him. More! More! SOLDIERS: Yeah! More! BIG GAY AL: Oh, you big sillys! You want to see more of me? STAN: Yeah! Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al! SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al! BIG GAY AL: Well, I do have a little song I wrote about the war. Oh, but we haven’t rehearsed. STAN: Sing it! SOLDIERS: Yeah! Sing it! BIG GAY AL: Oh, I can’t. KYLE: Sing the fucking song! BIG GAY AL: Well, all right. If you insist, I’ll sing my song. SOLDIERS: [cheering] BIG GAY AL: I believe it goes a little bit, like this. BIG GAY AL: Bombs are flying People are dying Children are crying Politicians are lying too Cancer is killing Texaco’s spilling The whole world’s gone to Hell But how are you? I’m super! Thanks for asking! All things considered I couldn’t be better I must say I’m feelin’ super No, nothin’ bugs me Everything is super when you’re Don’t you think I look cute in this hat? I’m so sorry Mr. Cripple But I just can’t feel to bad for you right now Because I’m feeling So insanely super That even the fact that you can’t walk Can’t bring me down CHOIR: He’s super Thanks for asking All things considered He couldn’t be better, he must say BIG GAY AL: I’m super! No, nothin’ bugs me! Everything is super when you’re Don’t you think I look cute in this Happy little pants and matching tie I got at Merv’s? I’m super CHOIR: [undecipherable] as well BIG GAY AL: Stick ‘em up! CHOIR: Big Gay Al says You went to town Yes, he’s super And he’s proud to be gay BIG GAY AL: Okay! CHOIR: Everything is super when you’re Gay When you’re gay SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] STAN and KYLE: Again! Again! CARTMAN: [about to shut off power as Kenny’s ghost appears] Who’s that? KENNY’S GHOST: [undecipherable] CARTMAN: Not again! Hey!…They’re coming?…But our moms won’t listen to us. KENNY’S GHOST: [undecipherable, but ominous] CARTMAN: [runs away screaming] BIG GAY AL: Okay, everybody. Just wanna take a minute here to thank all our wonderful sponsors we had tonight… STAN: [referring to "The Mole"] He’s almost got ‘em! "THE MOLE": [to Terrance and Phillip] Shh! We are here to rescue you! After I release you, follow me through the tunnel. CARTMAN: You guys! STAN: What, Cartman? CARTMAN: Kenny! I saw Kenny again! KYLE: Did you shut the alarm off, Cartman?…Cartman? CARTMAN: Whoops. KYLE: Oh, shit! STAN and KYLE: [make sound like dying giraffe] SOLDIER: Hey, did you hear that? Sounds like a giraffe is dying over there. SHEILA: [as alarm goes off] Ah! "THE MOLE": Sheet! SHEILA: A spy! SOLDIER: Get him! "THE MOLE": [being attacked by dogs] Sheet! STAN: Oh, no!…Come on, "Mole," come on! "THE MOLE": Sheet! Sheet! Fucking guard dogs! Sheet! Ze alarms! Zey went off! CARTMAN: Yeah, that was my bad. Sorry. "THE MOLE": [coughing] So very cold. Zere is no hope now. You must get out of here. KYLE: We can’t leave without you! "THE MOLE": It’s okay, I’m done for. KYLE: No! We can’t leave without you. We don’t know where the hell we are! "THE MOLE": Where is your god when you need him? Huh? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now? [coughing] Here I come, god. Here I come, you fucking rat! [coughing] "THE MOLE": Now the light, she fades And darkness settles in But I will find strength KYLE: No, "Mole," hang on. "THE MOLE": I will find pride within KYLE: We’ll get you home. "THE MOLE": Because although I die KYLE: I can’t face my mother. "THE MOLE": Our freedom will be won KYLE: Not alone. "THE MOLE": Though I die La Resistance…lives…on [dies] KYLE: Shit! BIG GAY AL: Okay, folks, here it is. The moment we’ve all been waiting for: the execution! SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] HELL SATAN: The day is ours. THE USO SHOW BIG GAY AL: Super! STAN: Oh no, dude, it’s happening! We have to tell them about Saddam Hussein and Satan. KYLE: No way, dude! My mom can’t see me here. STAN: Kyle, you have to stand up to your mother. Come on! SHEILA: Gentlemen, do you have nay last woids? PHILLIP: Last words? How’s aboot, "Get me the fuck out of this chair!" How’s that for last words? SHEILA: All right anonymous, ready the switch! STAN: Wait! SHARON: Stanley! LIAN: Eric! SHEILA: Kyle! STAN: Go on, dude, tell her. KYLE: I…I can’t. STAN: You can’t kill Terrance and Phillip. If they die, Satan and Saddam Hussein are gonna come take over the world. PARENTS: [laughing] SHEILA: Throw the switch, Mr. Garrison! MR. GARRISON: Hey, I’m supposed to be anonymous. [throws switch] SHEILA: Goodbye, bastards! STAN: No! TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: [farting and laughing] SOLDIERS: [cheering] MR. GARRISON: [as Canadian airforce unleashes an attack] The Canadians are attacking! Run for your lives! CARTMAN: C’mon, we have to shut off the power! [shutting off power] Oh, fuck! [gets shocked] PHILLIP: Hey, some little fat kid saved us! CARTMAN: [continuing to get shocked, as V-chip begins to go haywire] STAN: Terrance and Phillip wait. We have to get you to the rendez-vouse point! JIMBO: Ned, behind you! [much carnage] THE CLITORIS: [to Stan] Be not afraid. STAN: Oh, my god! THE CLITORIS: Behold my glory! STAN: What…are you? THE CLITORIS: I am the clitoris. STAN: The clitoris? I did it! I found the clitoris! THE CLITORIS: Stan! You must not let Terrance and Phillip’s blood be spilled on the ground! STAN: Wait. You’re supposed to tell me how to get Wendy to like me. THE CLITORIS: There are more important matters right now. STAN: No way, dude! I’ve looked all over for you, and now you have to tell me how to get Wendy to like me. THE CLITORIS: Dude, you just have to have confidence in yourself. Believe in yourself and others will believe in you. Chicks love confidence. Now go, hurry! The clitoris has spoken. [disappears] WENDY: Stan! Stan, are you okay? GREGORY: I see you’ve failed in your mission. I should not have sent a boy to do a man’s job. STAN: Come on, everyone. We’ve got precious little time. MR. MACKIE: Die Canadians, m’kay? PHILLIP: [farts] Did you hear that, Terrance? I farted. TERRANCE: You did? Just now? BOTH: [laughing hysterically] KYLE: Terrance and Phillip! CARTMAN: We have to get you to the rendez-vouse point. Hey, it’s Mr. Garrison! MR. GARRISON: [under siege] Children…take Mist-Mr. Hat. Please. Get him out of here! CARTMAN: Holy shit! [V-chip gets all screwy] Man, this V-chip is getting’ all screwy! KYLE: Take cover in the trench. GENERAL: All right, men! "Human Shields" up front, then "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies." Remember "Human Shields:" protect our tanks and planes, too! CHEF: Holy mother of Jehosephat! CANADIAN COMMANDER: Fire on my command! CHEF: All right, squad. Just like I told you. One…two… BLACK SOLDIER: [in Jar Jar Binks-ese] Yousome people gonna die? CHEF: …three! [black soldiers get out of the way of oncoming Canadian firepower, leaving white soldiers exposed] BLACK SOLDIER: Great plan, Chef! CHEF: "Operation: Human Shield" my ass! SHARON: Oh, my god, this is terrible! SHEILA: This is what we wanted! We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment! SHARON: But we didn’t want this! SHEILA: Where are you going? SHARON: We’re going to find our boys. For god’s sake, Sheila, we’re going to get them killed! CARTMAN: Hey, Kyle. All those times I said you were a big, dumb jew? I didn’t mean it. You’re not a jew. KYLE: Yes, I am. I am a Jew, Cartman! CARTMAN: No, no, Kyle. Don’t be so hard on yourself. What the hell am I still holding this for? [discarding Mr. Hat] MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat! No! KYLE: Fuck this, dude. I’m getting out of here, before I get in really big trouble. CARTMAN: I heard that! KYLE: [seeing Stan] Stan! STAN: Dude, I found the clitoris! So now I think I can get Wendy to like me again. KYLE: Wow, that’s swell, Stan! CARTMAN: Yeah, all’s well that ends well, huh? I guess we can all go home now, you dipshit. [shocks Kyle] KYLE: Ow! CARTMAN: Boy, what’s wrong with this thing? STAN: C’mon! We can’t let Terrance and Phillip die! Or else the whole world’s gonna end. PHILLIP: Terrance, look! GENERAL: There they are! TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip, we’re done for! GENERAL: All right, men, fire! PHILLIP: Goodbye, Terrance. GENERAL: [seeing Stan in the way] What is this? STAN: Don’t shoot! SHEILA: I’ll take care of this. Kids, get out of the way now!…Kyle! KYLE: I’m not gonna let you kill them, mom. SHEILA: What-what-what? KYLE: I’m…not…moving! GENERAL: Stand down, children. You can still see fart jokes on Nickelodeon. STAN: No! This is about more than fart jokes! This is about freedom of speech. About censorship…and…stuff. KYLE: What about Ike, huh mom? Did you forget that your own adopted son is Canadian? SOLDIERS: [gasping] SHEILA: I’m…I-I-I’m doing very important things. KYLE: But mom, you never took the time to talk to me. Whenever I get in trouble, you go off and blame everybody else. But I’m the one to blame. Deal with me. You keep going off and fighting all these causes. But I don’t want a fighter. I want my mom. BIG GAY AL: [sobbing] Poor little fella! SHEILA: No! [as Terrance and Phillip are shot] KYLE: Holy shit, dude! SHEILA: Young man, you watch your mouth! SATAN: [emerging with Saddam through the center of the earth] My time has come! SADDAM: You’re all really fucked now! GENERAL: It’s Saddam Hussein! Kill him! SADDAM: [laughing as bullets bounce off him] What a dummy! SATAN: You have spilled the blood of the innocent. Now begins two million years of darkness! CHEF: Oh, good job, Ms. Broflovski. Thanks a lot. SHEILA: I was just trying to make the world a better place for children. SADDAM: Yeah! And you brought enough intolerance to the world to allow my coming. Now, everyone bow down to me! [laughing maniacally] Yeah, bow down to me! GENERAL: God, what have we done? SATAN: Saddam, I am the dark ruler, not you. SADDAM: [slapping Satan] Relax, bitch. You’re better seen, not heard. KENNY: Satan, you gotta do something! SATAN: I…can’t. SADDAM: Let’s start by building a big statue of me. Right over there where that fat kid is standing. CARTMAN: Hey! Don’t call me fat, buttfucker! [shocks Saddam] STAN: Yeah, Cartman. Do it! CARTMAN: Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin’ authorita! [shocks Saddam] SADDAM: Yikes! Hey! You need to watch your mouth, fat! CARTMAN: Dumbshit fucker! [shocks Saddam with increasing ferocity] SADDAM: Quick, Satan. Do something. CARTMAN: Try this on for size: blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle! [shocks Saddam] SADDAM: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don’t worry. I can change. CARTMAN: Okay…not! Fuck! Shit! Cock! Ass! Shitty boner bitch! Muff! Pussy! Cock! Butthole! Barbara Streisand! [shocks Saddam intensely] SADDAM: [to Satan] What are you waiting for, bitch. Destroy him! Come on, you weak, stupid come-bucket. Save me. SATAN: That’s it! I have had enough of you! [throws Saddam back down to Hell, impaling him on a jutting rock formation] … He spent so much time convincing me I was weak and stupid that I…believed it myself. [to Kenny] I have you to thank, little one. You showed me that I had to get away from him. Just make any wish you want, and I shall grant it. KENNY: [undecipherable] STAN: [gasping] Are you sure, Kenny? GENERAL: What did he say? STAN: He said his wish is for everything to go back, the way it was, before this horrible war. CHEF: Kenny, you realise, that means you’d go back, too? KENNY: I know… [undecipherable] SATAN: Well, very well, then. I will pull all my minions back. I guess I’m destined to live in Hell…alone. [noticing Mr. Hat] Hello! What’s this? Hi there, little guy. Would you like to go to Hell with me? MR. HAT: [via Satan] Sure. I bet we could be best friends, Mr. Satan. CHEF: Feel free to come back and visit us any time you want, Satan. SATAN: I just might do that. KYLE: Thank you, Kenny! STAN: Yeah, thanks for going back to Hell for us. You’re a real pal! KENNY: [removing hood and enunciating clearly] Goodbye, you guys. [everything is returned to normal] MR. GARRISON: I-I’m alive! Where’s Mr. Hat? BIG GAY AL: Wow! We were all dying, and now we’re fine! That’s super! TERRANCE: [coming back to life] What the fuck’s going on? KYLE: You see, mom? After all that, it was Cartman’s filthy fucking mouth that saved us all. SHEILA: I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention to you, Kyle. [gives him a kiss] WENDY: [gives Stan a kiss] STAN: [barfs on Wendy] But Wendy, what about Gregory? WENDY: Oh, Stan, I never really cared for Gregory. STAN: You didn’t? WENDY: No, dude. Fuck Gregory! Fuck him right in the ear! STAN: Yay! Thank you, clitoris! CHEF: Everything worked out What a happy end Americans and Canadians Are friends again So let’s all join hands And knock oppression down KIDS: Don’t you know that Our lives are now complete? MOTHERS: ‘cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet SHEILA: Super Sweet! ALL: Thank god we live in this quiet Little inbred, podunk …[undecipherable]… Mountain town KYLE: [seeing Kenny ascend to heaven] Look! [closing credits]